Author: jae

the hardest thing is trying to figure out if i can deal with having an absent lover who has and/or wants others of her own. i already told her i’d stick around. am i just going to drive myself crazy? i’m out for love, after all. i’m not finding it with her. but i do love her, vastly and deeply.

i want a soul-mate, a faithful companion. someone i can directly connect with. someone who will give me love, just as honestly and openly as i give love to them. someone who will look at me and think of me as her number one partner.

i don’t want to be part of a syndicate.

i believe in personal worship, not membership in a congregation. i want my god/dess to know me just as i know her. i desire gnosis. intimacy.

i don’t want to accidentally wonder what she does with others. i don’t like knowing that i’m only as interesting to her as a number of other people are. and i hate hearing about the other people she wants. it tears me to pieces.

but i told her i would. i looked into her beautiful brown eyes, and i told her i would anyway. because i love her that much. because i crave her.

…how foolish am i?

Lisa, honey, please take everything i’ve been saying with a grain of salt. you know i love you. it’s just hard to be in love. someday, you’ll understand what i’m saying. at least i hope not anyway ;)

slept about 30 fucking hours in one 24 hour day. just got home a little bit ago. drank a fifth of Cisco (yeah, i know…), had a few beers, and am on a 24oz. of Bud now. went to my friend Fred & Lisa’s place. told them about my last week. hung out with their druggie friends. smoked a little pot, for the first time in ages (yeah, FUCK YOU, Rumsfield & Ashcroft… fuckin’ PIGS). learned some more trivial information about my friend Mike Mettler, who hung himself a few years back. he fucking rocked, World, in case you were too goddamn ignorant to notice. am going to sleep now.

Elton John- “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” (Lyrics by Bernie Taupin)
Captain Fantastic And The Brown Dirt Cowboy, 1975

When I think of those East End lights, muggy nights
The curtains drawn in the little room downstairs
Prima Donna lord you really should have been there
Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair
And it’s one more beer and I don’t hear you anymore
We’ve all gone crazy lately
My friends out there rolling round the basement floor

And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me didn’t you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You’re a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye

I never realised the passing hours of evening showers
A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams
I’m strangled by your haunted social scene
Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen
It’s four o’clock in the morning
Damn it listen to me good
I’m sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my music’s still alive

And I would have walked head on into the deep end of the river
Clinging to your stocks and bonds
Paying your H.P. demands forever
They’re coming in the morning with a truck to take me home
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
So save your strength and run the field you play alone

so when last i was here…

Saturday: broke it off with Lisa :(
Sunday: get a message to “show up at [her] door tomorrow (today), and we’ll see what happens”
Monday: got my ass to Valpo with a severe quickness! i’m a sucker for great women. so we hung out the first day, and while on our first walk together, she suddenly stops and we sit down against a tree. she puts her head on my shoulder (awww), and we talk about things. i ended up deciding that i will endure her polyamorous urges for her, even though i really still have a hard time dealing with it.
rest of week: had tons of fun… went to Lake Michigan and jumped in with our clothes (mostly) on. my head’s still swirling from the sheer joy of it all, so i cannot relate the exact chronology at this moment… but we kissed, held hands, hugged, and generally shared a lot of sweetness and affection. (p.s., aside from being an insanely smart, funny, and multitalented person, she’s also a true knockout with an oversized heart… *gush* i love this gurl!)

we didn’t have sex or anything, so don’t even ask. naughty, naughty livejournallers! bendt ovah fohr zie schpankenennnnnn!

i did, however, get to sleep at her side the first two nights *siiiiigh* :). after that, i felt all guilty for taking up space and stuff and i sooooo didn’t want to bother her roommate Moni (who’s really cool, btw- but is taking some heavy, heavy courses), so i rented a motel room for about $40/night. which of course drained the bulk of my spending ca$h, but oh well.

man, things worked out pretty well i think, except that i’m always a little on the shy side at first (before i turn into a lil’ monster anyway), and i did fuck up one night by letting myself down and affecting others because of it, but she showed me the light and brought me back to reality. so i didn’t overall come off very confidently, i don’t think. she doesn’t know that i used up my confidence points already in another arena though. and anyway, i hate acting like a cocky bastard the first time i meet someone. i’ll turn Him loose later, heh. (but jayzuss goddamn christ, the wounded puppy-dog approach needs to GO. wtf is rong wif me??!)

but anyway… so yeah, she’s a fuckin phe*NOM*enal kisser… at one point, we literally couldn’t pull ourselves away from each other. *sigh* that was fun ;)

only a coupla things i was sort of disappointed in: the last night, i was TRYing to give her one of my “special” massages (which is supPOSED to be pretty erotic, heh), but i fucked it all up because my damn knees hurt on the hard linoleum floor and i couldn’t really bend like i wanted to because of it. that, and the fact that my overall presentation was sometimes kinda lame. and there was a gift i really really wanted to give her on thursday morning, but dammit, the opportunity wasn’t there for a few different stoopid reasons. eh, maybe i can mail it to her.

Friday: i had to leave (yeah, hated it; i was bawling in the car the whole way home – god damn i love that gurl) her boyfriend was supposed to come over, and she says she’s going to tell him about us and see what happens. i hope it goes well. i mean, i don’t want to compete or anything, but she refuses to make a choice between us (which is almost really unfair for the both of us guys, all things considered, but “she’s worth it” is what i keep telling myself). so either he and i both play along with HER rules, or one or both of us has to drop out… not looking too good for ANY of us.

but she’s my best friend, and i know that i want to be there for a very long time… *twisty-tummy sigh* no matter what happens, i guess…

i promise i’ll update tonight. i had the best week of my life (so far). took a lil’ impromptu Road Trip to see a Good Friend.

U2- “With Or Without You”
(from The Joshua Tree, March 1987)

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side.
I wait for you.
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you.

Through the storm, we reach the shore
You gave it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you.
I can’t live with or without you.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away.

My hands are tied, my body bruised
She got me with nothing to win
And nothing else to lose.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away.

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you.

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you.

*sigh*

this was brought to my attention by my best friend:

when i post about the girl that i love, i’m making her out to be not as good a person as she really is in actuality. this is simply not the case, and i feel that a public apology must be made.

she is, in fact, a wonderful human being with a gentle heart. the truth is just that she is a righteous babe who knows what she wants. and there isn’t a goddamn thing in the universe wrong with that.

unfortunately for us both, i also know what i want. and that means that i sometimes ask for too much, or more than one person needs to give, or is capable of giving.

who knew that Legos^tm and Lok-Bloks^tm wouldn’t always work together very well? i mean, they look the same, they act the same; they even function, generally, the same way… but on the surface, and underneath, each is just different enough from the other to inhibit large (or medium) -scale building projects. the corner bits just do not fit.

EOF

so we talked tonight, and it’s over. for once in my life, at least a somewhat dignified and civil end to something.

and yet, i have a nagging feeling that it’s not really over. i don’t know why. i hope i don’t do something foolish like go running back to her (exactly what i want to do). at least i didn’t beg. i just can’t live like i have been. i need a real relationship in a real domain, and i need to have just a little bit of commitment. just enough to get by on, that’s all.

damn it, we were such a good match, too. it could have been perfect.

i’m going to go and drain my eyes now.

think i’ll go to the petting zoo today. damn, i need to get laid.

~OR~

damn, i need to get laid. think i’ll go to the petting zoo today.

…see what i mean about context? everything changes, depending on the context of the situation.

A++ list (people who i’d actually consider killing a man for):
my best friend and confidant Lisa L.
Alanis Morrissette (damn straight, so fuck off)
Janeane Garofalo
Jodie Foster

A+ list (people i’d willingly humiliate myself publicly for):
flooding
mistressxenobia
wirklichkeit
my friend Cat
my friend Ria
my friend Melissa
my friend Jennifer
Maya Rudolph
Lili Taylor
Illeana Douglas
Kim Deal
Halle Berry
Kim Gordon

A list (people i just plain *LUV* all to pieces!!):
nancianna
tyrsalvia
slbass
dimmiedanger
my friend Krista
my friend Jaime
my friend Paola
my friend Kimbley
my friend Monica
my friend Leah

B list (people who totally rock in a practically unbelievable fashion):
aimercat
kaitan
my friend Brigitte
my friend Susan
et cetera….

right now, at this moment, i am letting alcohol solve my problems temporarily.

anything you read above from today’s date MUST be taken with a  grain  shaker of salt.

all the best women in my life are either involved, or too far away.

THE best woman in my life is both.

so… just like that. i said ‘i’m going to leave now,’ and i left. i just walked away. i don’t know if i meant it like i think i might’ve meant it (permanently?), but i said it, and for the moment anyways, i’m gone. i don’t want to be. i truly feel… i feel… i love that woman… but i also don’t want to be somebody’s complication, because that’s not good. she’s got enough without me making things even worse. and plus it complicates things for me, too. i can’t put so many of my eggs into a virtual basket* that exists only in cyberspace. it’s foolish for both of us.

not to mention the fact that if i DON’T stay gone for good this time, that’ll just complicate things vastly more. because we all know that this just can’t go on like this.

* no jokes are necessary for that particular bit, people. thank you.

wow, i just had the best conversation with my good friend Ria, who’s leaving for the Peace Corps soon (see prev. entry – i am so freakin’ proud of this human being – my friend). we spent the whole time talking about all the things that are so devastatingly WRONG with Amurika, and the world. and we agreed on damn near every single point.

it makes me kind of sad, though. if i hadn’t been such a pathetic fuckup five years ago, maybe we could have still been together, and maybe we could have been a great team. maybe we could have been M.A.D. (Making A Difference) together. perhaps we could have even been a force to be reckoned with.

it’s amazing how many really good things never come to pass, because of one thing, or another.

i was driving today, perfecting my latest impression: Johnny Cash singing Beck’s “Devil’s Haircut” when it occurred to me: not only has this been done before, but done in all earnestness by the Man In Black hisself. yes, Cash has recorded this song, as well as songs by Soundgarden, Tom Waits, and a host of other juxtapositioned covers.

made me feel like i’d just drunk a whole bottle of Scope: i felt guilty and pathetic, yet i wanted more.

and then it hit me: i realized that in 20 years, there will be no more comedy bits, as civilization turns back in on itself in an endless downward spiral of self-parody.

so on the way back, i perfected -yes, friends… *PERFECTED!*– my impression of Neil Young doing “Where It’s At” (oddly, it sounds an awful lot like “Don’t Let It Bring You Down”). …at least there may yet be time left for that one.

got a postcard from my Good Friend Ria today. she’s joining the Peace Corps. i worship her for that fact. think i’ll call her tonight. i’m supposed to be going on a roadtrip w/ my grandfather soon, and we’ll be in St. Louis. i really don’t want to go, but if i do, then i can see her at least. it will be the last time for a long while.

background: we used to date about 5 years ago. she was my last girlfriend. i remember it started as a really sweet romance. when we first met, we never really talked by ourselves, and then one day she told me she liked this comic book i had done. i was stunned that she even remembered it and that it was me who did it. a few months later, she asked me to go to Europe with her (actually, i was a bit of a last resort). so we became fast friends and hung out a LOT. in Europe, i of course fell for her, and proceeded to make an ass of myself because of it. she had a boyfriend in San Diego at the time. she read my journal in Paris after we had been there for more than a week together, and found out.

things weren’t the same for a little while. i’m still not entirely sure how she really felt about it, but we somehow managed to do some weird things like visiting the Parisian sex shops together, and planned on going to see a show at the Moulin Rouge (which never happened – i think we chickened out… i seem to recall her saying something like it might not be a great idea to get all worked up and horny, and me agreeing with great relief!).

in Munich i got way too drunk at the Hofbrau Haus and ended up stumbling home in the darkness somehow (lost of course, but i have a bird’s sense of direction and velocity when i’m drunk). i fell asleep at the doorstep of the hostel and she came and fetched me, and ended up cradling me in her arms and whispering sweet, sweet things to me that night.

in Vienna we found ourselves with an overbooked Eurobus, and had to take a train to Prague. i had a lousy birthday the night before, and after playing drinking games on the floor of the train station with vodka-and-Fanta-orange screwdrivers, we got into a heated fight over nothing (completely my stoopid drunk-ass fault) (seriously), and i made her nearly try to push me out of the train (while it was going at full tilt!) …my sweet, dear friend Paola (how i miss her!) came to me and told me she loved me and was so sweet that night and i set my hair on fire accidentally. we didn’t speak for a little while. the second or third night, we all got a nice big suite in the Czech hostel and it was more or less arranged that her and i would be sleeping together in the bigger room. so we ended up talking again, although it was a little strained at first.

i had to stay behind to wait on a cash wire from the states, as i hadn’t enough money to continue, so we met again in Amsterdam. don’t remember much from then, except for nearly getting into a couple of fights with some hustlers and junkies. and getting hustled pretty badly for $100.

back in Paris, we got drunk and climbed the Eiffel. somehow got separated, and i think i may have urinated on the steps about halfway up (oops!! je suis désolé, France…). i got lost again and walked back. more bad drunkenness. ended up giving her one of my patented, trademark back massages. for those who don’t know, they tend to not be the most platonic of affairs. the last night we went to renew our room, and she tried to get us a single. they were out. je vous maudis, pension française mauvaise!

god only knows what would have happened that night, but i sometimes like to wonder about it…

back in america, we spent not so much time together, until one night, she called me wanting to come over and hang out. when she arrived, she was all dolled up and wearing makeup and everything.

that was a Good Night.

she had dumped her boyfriend, and come to fetch me.

but she didn’t believe in love then, and it didn’t last; although it was very romantic and sweet at first.

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

oh my fucking god i miss my electric guitar!!!!!!!

i.need.to.rock.out.NOW.