the hardest thing is trying to figure out if i can deal with having an absent lover who has and/or wants others of her own. i already told her i’d stick around. am i just going to drive myself crazy? i’m out for love, after all. i’m not finding it with her. but i do love her, vastly and deeply.
i want a soul-mate, a faithful companion. someone i can directly connect with. someone who will give me love, just as honestly and openly as i give love to them. someone who will look at me and think of me as her number one partner.
i don’t want to be part of a syndicate.
i believe in personal worship, not membership in a congregation. i want my god/dess to know me just as i know her. i desire gnosis. intimacy.
i don’t want to accidentally wonder what she does with others. i don’t like knowing that i’m only as interesting to her as a number of other people are. and i hate hearing about the other people she wants. it tears me to pieces.
but i told her i would. i looked into her beautiful brown eyes, and i told her i would anyway. because i love her that much. because i crave her.
…how foolish am i?
