Author: jae

i posted this in HTMLForums. thought i might as well share my thoughts here, too.

i watched part of the memorial ceremonies. the one at the pentagon had some pretty awful music, imho. not to take away from the events themselves, i just hated that horrible, grandiose music.

yesterday evening, i forced myself to watch the PBS specials they showed. got the stomach twisties. it’s strange… i think i figured out why gore fascinates people so much. i noticed that i wanted to see the images of the people jumping to their deaths, which was a disturbing thought (to say the LEAST), until i realised the reason WHY:

i wanted to confront the brutality in the face. i wanted to see that real-life horror footage, as a sort of hairshirt. penance for BEING ALIVE. for the guilt and shame of not having been one of those poor, desperate living beings. a penalty for having been randomly selected to exist at another set of spatial coordinates at that awful moment.

and (of course!) i feel that i have not paid nearly enough for my life.

for the most part, today i ignored the tee-vee. the whole g-d thing has been sponsored by the “heroes” at Coca Cola, Inc.. the anniversary of one of the most tragic events in recent history has been brought to you by $ad_client. it thoroughly f-ing disgusts me.

and the jingoism… the jingoism. it really gets to me. “Patriot Day”? gimme a break. it should have been WTC day, or something more appropriate. hell, how about calling it “September Eleventh”? nothing that happened a year ago had anything to do with patriotism; only overbearing religious zeal and caveman-politics (i’m speaking of the perpetrators).

a friend of mine in SF put together a party and went to eat dinner at an afghan restaurant. now there’s american patriotism – GLOBAL patriotism! HUMAN patriotism! solidarity among ALL!

another friend was in China last year. she wanted to watch the footage, for obvious reasons, but her friends wouldn’t let her. that’s pretty sad. i don’t blame her friends for their feelings, but they should have let her watch it anyway.

last thought on the matter: as an american (yet not directly affected by the tragedy), i’d like to personally thank all the people of the world who showed their love today. i especially am personally touched by the people of Australia, New Zealand, and the U.K., who’ve just been really tremendously sweet… a year ago, and today. your compassion breaks my heart in that wonderful, good way that overwhelming compassion of that magnitude does. thank you. *hug*

anyway… be wary of jingoists… and let there be peace, amongst the living, and the dead.

am writing a book. my first book, and my first story (in fact) in many, many years. it’s about this road trip i took a coupla weeks back to see a girl i loved (who i met online almost two years ago), which ended in deep personal devastation, and which i am in the process of recovering from (with fine enough results, more or less, so far – all things considered). let’s say for now that i “pulled on Trouble’s braids”, to quote Tom Waits. the book will be somewhat similar in tone to Kerouac’s The Subterraneans, if for no other reason than it’s about a short, ill-concieved affair which ended in disaster, but was great, wonderful fun at the time and provided an adventure, and deep heartbreak, if nothing else. no title as of yet.

the only thing that i worry about with this book is the fact that there are so many other really truly great writers out there, not the least among them is Jackie Corley. she, as i have said before, many times, and will continue to say again and again and again, until somebody finally wises up and listens, is the single most important (and amazing!) writer of the twenty-first century. how i will ever be able to write anything that even comes close to being as innovative and beautiful and important and evocative as her Foster is, i don’t know. i doubt if i even could. but i will write my ass off nonetheless, without regard to my fine, fine, most excellent and worthy “competition” (i use this word ever so lightly, as i could never compare to her amazing and PROFOUND genius, and anyway, count her as one of my literary heroes, and social peers).

tonight was the most beautiful night i’ve seen in years, for looking at the stars. the longer i looked, the more came into view. millions of them, some clouds of gas and vapour, some full-fledged star systems, with who-knows-what kinda life forms of their own. my god… my god. i had just gotten done with listening to Lynton Kwesi Johnston and Tom Waits (on a mix tape my good friend Paul once made for me), and i was feeling ecstatic! i have drunk three 24oz cans of budweiser and a can of Red Bull, plus i found some ephedrine that i’d been hoarding (for two years) and didn’t realize had only expired this past april (good enough for me, considering my last bottle of ranch dressing had expired at approx the same time and still tasted just fine)… oh, yes, the sky was burning with Existence. Orion my homespace! absolutely incredible.

finally got some more work done. got the blogger archives working, and also uploaded some essays. checked out uJournal and deadjournal today; may start using them as i feel i need to gain distance from lisa, a girl that i dearly love, who i am more compatible with than anyone else in the world, and who i am not compatible with (for almost purely sexually political reasons, and also that she had been a real asshole to me in the last coupla weeks). she has a livejournal, so i feel like maybe i should switch away from all of that. also, am drinking again. …and feeling like i want some speed, something i haven’t really done since 1992 (low-grade, OTC ephedrine, mind you, not meth or anything that radical).

enough. something’s going around and everybody’s having a rough go and i’m just so sick of people hurting other people and it’s all because people can’t be kind to each other, because the human ideal of peace and love and tranquility isn’t realistic, and for what? we can’t have utopia because we don’t WANT it? is that it? we’re so fucking selfish that we don’t even want to bother lifting a goddamned finger to achieve the Great Human Dream to live together, in happiness and in harmony? oh, and i know that some will laugh and think, how juvenile! how naive! O the pitious gullibility of the so-called “freethinking” Leftist neo-anarchist! when will they learn that evil and spite are part and parcel of the Human Condition? and to that, i can only offer the one reply, always only the one: i love you; is it so fucking hard, nay impossible, to at least try to love me back? is it so very much work to try to be a good neighbor? can you do it? do you have it in you? is the other cat, the Average Jo/e, then also not capable of exercising his or her Free Will to Love and be kind and good and decent? isn’t it so hard, so very difficult, to ensure a place among the citizens of the cosmos for us frail and weak humans, who i guess then only want to live by dying, continually dying each day, for the suffering of millions has now become so equilibrium that we cannot even imagine having an entertainment industry that isn’t based on this horrible, self-perpetuating trend of misery.

o negativity! o harness of greed! o supergravity of simplistic hatred! o liar, o thief, o scoundrel, o glutton or glut! o giver of temporary things! o taker of permanencies! o deceptive advertising! o humiliations for sale! o disharmony in song! o rebels without causes! o short shelf life of love! o spoilers! o tarnish! o vanity! o callous indifference (that one’s for you)! o pallid and vain self-righteousness (that one’s for me)! o mischief for the sake of personal gain and nothing more! o me generation! o empty radicals, bereft of guilt and shame and humanity, who have given up in favor of a well-paying career as media consultants! o rambling philosophizers who feel nothing! o dullness! o grief, o misery, o suffering, o pain, o jealousy and o envy! o god! o no! o no! o no!

o sleepers.

enough. this is my scream.

well. i’ve gotten the basic blog to work with PHP includes. now if only i could get the fucking archives to work. grr.

trying the blogger thing. this may be tricky. hold on tight.

mmm, damn! just got offline from this superhot hottie!

*sigh*

i *luuuuuv* gurls….

omg pls.

i just got a spam with this subject:

“Transmothra, your Family incest archive”

ooh! ooh! lemme see! i can’t wait!

ew.

“Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for Humanity.”
Horace Mann, Antioch University’s First President

The Rolling Stones rock. they never fail to get me in a fired-up, sugar-free, scorchin’ hot-assed mood.

going to Yellow Springs to the Blues Festival at Antioch tomorrow with my pallio T. T rocks. might even make some music together at some point. gonna turn it up and see who bites. (nobody gets they groove on like i do! even James Brown backsdafuckup when i’m in the room!) …definitely feel like some good sex (“Start Me Up”), and T’s says he’s got a connection or two for me. will fo’ sho’ be gettin drunk and shootin off. maybe i’ll even get a little stoned for once. Good Times!

rawr!

spine-tingling.

i can’t believe i only just stumbled across that today.

Life is very short and there’s no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend…
(Lennon/McCartney)

earlier tonight i wrote most of the first song i’ve written in ages, and it’s the best song i’ve written in years! it may be one of my best ever.

it’s acoustic. the lyrics are pretty good, too. it’s a plea to a friend who needs to take a break and get her head together. (go figure.) and the music itself is actually surprisingly original, although the chorus is definitely reminiscent of classic americana roots-rock.

and it all came together so fast! i had to take a break because i was being positively gangrushed by the ol’ creative spark!

actually, i’m not done quite yet, and i may end up making the chorus into a prechorus for something even more rousing. we’ll see. i might also go ahead and put the other six strings back on the ol’ Yamaha 12-er. normally, it really hurts to play with all 12 strings, because of my finger problem. but this song just kind of seems to want me to anyway.

obviously, i’m excited as all-get-out. hell, i’m glowing! *blush*

for those unfortunates who’ve heard my music @ mp3.com, it’s nothing like that stuff. that stuff is either old stuff from my folk, grunge and synthpop days (yes, they were actually the same days), or it’s modern funky electronica.

in fact the last few good actualsongs i’ve written have all been pretty good, darkish, folky, pop rock. most of them are acoustic songs these days. when and if i ever get my recording gear either repaired or replaced, you’ll know for certain how much i fuckin’ rule ;) i’ve got a decent little backlog of stuff now. all i need to do is get them recorded properly.

The (new) Doors?

lineup:
Manzarek, Krieger, Stewart Copeland (!!!), and Ian Astbury (of The Cult).

possible major tour and new album (!!!).

boycott NASA! they LIE to us!!

trust me, you haven’t seen THIS evidence before!!

spooky!

went ahead and fired up transmothra.com v3.0 …many, many pages missing, but some stuff is up already.

anyone wanna volunteer to reformat my gallery???

…Bueller?

…Bueller?

…Bueller?

…Bueller?

…Bueller?

finally!

hooray for jeremy! he’s a better, stronger person every day!

note: i removed the link to a thread, at her request. as the story goes, she berated me yet again in her LJ, and i let her in on what’s up (jigga). and then she, more or less, confessed to self-sabotage.

i feel bad for her, because this indicates a deeper problem at her emotional core. somebody somewhere along the line, i’m guessing, made her feel like she doesn’t deserve certain things. and that sucks big time. in fact, it pisses me off that people do that to each other. but guess what? it’s a self-perpetuating cycle! i caught on, so it’s not gonna get me. not this time. but god i wish i could help her, poor thing.

here are some of the pics from my trip to see Lisa….

my buddy and me

caught off guard, coming back from class

say cheese?

she dances so beautifully

this one didn’t come out so well, but i still think it’s cool

me and my buddy

yup! just what i needed, to keep me feeling lonely and blue.

immersing myself in buddhist studies again. need detachment, coolness, absence of personal suffering. need to regain practice of the dharma. atman/will/intent running thin. unbearable temporary strains are chains that need broken. quest for peace resumes. will also begin writing; i am feeling a major purging of the soul coming on. may attempt to encapsulate feelings of devastation, desolation in music tonight as way of “getting worm out”. feeling calmer just reading buddhist scriptures. had minute revelation when i realised i recognized a sanskrit term i had never seen before. did not know the meaning at first but it came as does one who was familiar in the past. from this, realised that one may still attain buddhahood even after repeated abject failures. i have seen the Light before, will see It again with luck. on the subject of writing, words come almost too fast now for me to write them down; as if Kerouac’s instructions are becoming more real; like a great gate of innermost magicthought is seepingly opening allowing rush of wordnoise and perhaps even genetic memory… even as codes are broken, yet more awful comforting guarding walls are being erected but softly, noiselessly, as the protection spell of LBRP almost. no, no walls, justonly sacred energy; self-defense film or membrane. a coat, a hanger, a piece of plaster; puzzlepiece pour pouring purgements. no shame, nor anger, nor guilt. only upward-looking astonishing eagerness toward holy nothingness and sacred emptiness. hand me my vestments, i’m headed for the vestibule with my vim.