Author: jae

Nirvana- “You Know You’re Right”

recorded for posterity. the near-starting point of a man-in-progress. this is three days in.

woke up this morning with the funny (?) idea of grudgefucking somebody. (somebody in particular. i’m not saying who, lest anybody gets the wrong idea.)

don’t know what a grudgefuck is? sex out of spite. not hateful, mind you. just hard and maybe even a little rough. vengeful, even.

i’m sure there are those who’d say that that’s an evil thing to do, but it’s not if both parties “dislike” each other enough. and it’s not like it’s done outside of mutual consent.

too bad i don’t dislike anybody enough, sorta.

went out to the garage and Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin” was on the radio.

it reminded me of the parody song we were going to do in high school, at the Ugly Man contest (a sort of talent show). i don’t even remember how it went, but i think we never even did it. probably Randy Johnson chickened out at the last minute, or whoever was in the trio. but i do remember being Tony the Tiger and telling Trudy Wurts that Frosted Flakes were “GRRRREAT!” and to “show ’em you’re a Tiger!”, with my red bandana and all.

and that reminded me of this one time… at band camp… on talent night how we practically did a song parody of “Helter Skelter”. it wasn’t meant to be a parody, but it was definitely not solid art, if that’s what i’m trying to say about it. god, Bill Davenport, SHRIEKING “Helter Skelter!!” like some kind of great, googly-eyed goblin straight out of the very bowels of Hell itself, me and Jason Stafford relentlessly hammering on that massive RAWK riff… Jason all over the place, falling apart and losing place (Bill too), me i knew it and knew it well, having been a huge Beatles fan and also my latest kick being repeatedly listening to the U2 cover version from Rattle and Hum, which had come out some months prior. (i remember using the U2 version intro -palm muting & syncopated accents- and the Beatles version riffs thereafter.) it was primal and glorious. if only we’d had a drummer.

i want a rock and roll band.

quite possibly the most appropriate editorial on the current situation yet:

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/uclickcomics/20020923/cx_tr_uc/tr20020923

holy fuckin SHIT! i think i just BROKE myself working out! damn… Rollins Band RULES for workout musick! i just did the Nice album (but i took WAY too many breaks, which is okay, ‘coz i’m just gettin up to speed), and in a little bit i’m gonna go back outside and burn to Come In and Burn (the last album to feature Chris Haskett, et al).

STARVE (my personal theme song, for those who don’t gnow)
(Come In And Burn, 1997)

I stay out late I go long I lose sleep I go without I go loooooooooong I go all night, go all night I make the colors go I push my senses out I push my senses out I keep my existence lean I starve, starve I make the colors go! I starve, starve I make the colors go! Here I am keen eyed my mind is low to the ground In my mind real time is mine I know what I know I step up and get none, I step up and get none I take less and less and less than none I starve, starve I make the colors go! I starve, starve I make the colors go! At the back of my mind I hear the engines whine At the back of my mind I hear the engines whine Go all night, go all night I make my blood scream I kiss my fear on the mouth, I kiss my fear on the mouth, I make my blood… BURN! I starve, starve I make the colors go! I starve, starve I make the blood scream! I make the blood burn! When I step off I go off all the way When I step off I get off all the way When I turn my back and walk away I never come back I go without I feel the cold but I never come back I go loooooooooooong – I’m goooooooooooone I starve, starve I make the colors go! I make the blood scream! I make the blood burn!

thanks to tyrsalvia for pointing this one out:

“When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on — series polygamy — until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure in every relationship we enter.”

Tom Robbins, by way of anthologie, etc.

just got the latest ish of Scientific American. this may be the best fucking issue of any magazine ever, but i wouldn’t know it. i can’t even bring myself to read it, it’s so goddamn killer. hell, it may be a month before i can even muster up the nerve to pry open its pages to peek inside at the marvels and mysteries therein. woo-ha indeed!

went out and got a bunch of workout gear… an ab-roller, one-a them wheel thingies with the handles, a set of 20-lb dumbells (the store only had 1 25lb left, grr), and various stretch cords. just got done with a half-hour of varied… well, stunts, really. hey, i’m just starting out. going back to top off with another 30-40 minutes in a little bit.

Over the Rhine is playing at Canal Street Tavern on fri and sat… unsure which one i’ll be going to, since my pal Tony’s got his daughter this weekend and he said he wanted to go. (omg, i missed The Bears??! fuck.)

got some swank new used movies recently: Waking Life, Hedwig & The Angry Inch, American Pop, Birdy, American Movie, Amelie, The Salton Sea.

100+ situps
(held midway: 30 secs x 1)
20+ pushups
several deep-knee bends
maybe a minute of invisible chair
(odd, considering my calves are rock solid and in high school i lasted thru half of gym class and about midway thru lunch before me & Eddie Byrd said “fuck this, let’s go EAT!”)

not bad, for a bag of fat like me ;) …all that, plus i’m drinkin’ diet caffeine-free coke (icky)

what is love indeed. Figaro was a fool anyway.

if there were only one single solitary thing that could be said about George W. Bush, it wouldn’t be that he is a functional illiterate, a buffoon, a crazed Texan, a serial killer, or just a general fucking idiot.

it’s that he is a phenomenally unwise man.

…but what’s up with how solidly everybody seems to be falling for his shit? jingoism, man. that’s bad, bad hoodoo.

omigod my sweet, dear friend Melissa who i so adore rocks so much… seriously, thank the universe for people like her (ok, she’s the only one like her), otherwise the whole entire cosmos would literally implode from lack of sunshine and love and beautifulness… she called tonight and we talked for like, shit, 2 1/2 hours, madly cackawing and laughing ourselves silly most of the time but also delving into some of the more mysterical forces of Life As We Pretend to Know It. she’s so amazingly creative and spontaneous and funny and just really incredibly brilliant. ah, i’ve loved her to pieces since we talked on phones for money, back at the nameful call center where we’d empathise with wireless customers getting the big bite taken out of them by corporate greedmongers and other suchlike ilks; we worked there for damn i guess only several months really, but became fast friends out of love of humor and art and absurdism… this girl once gave Donovan [poor forgotten troubador] a fucking hug, that’s how goddamn gnarly she is, i tell you…

it’s weird how little actual hanging out we actually did. i used to pick her up for work, but outside of that, i only remember one time early on in our friendship when we went to the Moto Lounge and saw a swing band after having dug some marvelous poetry at the cool coffee spot (what was it called?), where of all the poets and freaks the one i remember most vividly was this bereted cat (who wore his tam like i do, not like a normal beret but swept back like a tall hat that’s fallen over from the heavy thoughts comin up like swirls of smoke from the chimney of the mind), who told a really funny story about a neighbor he’d once had… (i also remember from that night being kinda disappointed to learn that she had a boyfriend, hee hee… she’s really some catch (yes!) and some day she’ll find someone, amongst all the other bastards of the world, who truly appreciates her and they’ll the both of ’em be very happy indeed!)

and when she left Jacksonville, evil city, how heartbreaking it was… such a wonderful soul on that one, such a truly beautiful human being right there… closest to a real living, breathing bodhisattva that i’ve ever seen (yes, brothers and sisters! it’s absolutely TRUE, i swear on all the vedas and upanishads that there really exists one such as that!) …talk about angel-headed hipsters! she cares, and therefore must be burdened with carrying, so much, so much… she told me tonight of some of her troubles, and she sounded so upright and good, but i just can’t stand the thought of someone so truly awe-some as her being brought down by the world, evil place, birthplace of sorrow. it makes me sadangry that she has to suffer so much when others who don’t FEEL things, who just don’t care about people and the world and the Human Condition, those bastards don’t have to put up with as much hardness and sorrow.

and i worry about her sometimes, because of that. i worry because i know what it’s like to care way too much about the human condition, the toil and bother of sweaty ants like we are, all wearing our own hairshirts and troubling sadly across the working-fields to our hotplate indignities and careful humiliations. it’s tough to juggle participation with observation, and impossible to not “do it with feeling”, always with feeling… backbreaking amounts of feeling that stoop the shoulders and curl the shins in its way.

it’s kind of funny that whenever i used to say that Reptile Girl was my best friend (how wrong i was!), i used to think of Melissa instead, or rather: i’d think of how Melissa is really the one true friend i’ve had who really was the best ever, and just that that particular girl was (i thought) rapidly getting closer and closer to that magic line. …but how odd! i’ve just always been incredibly comfortable around her (shit, more than maybe anyone), even though we somehow managed to not actually do much hanging out after work, but i consider her to be a real close friend nonetheless, for the sheer joy and warmth and damn near mindlessly meaningful happiness she always brought me.

and god! how she says the nicest things to make me swell all up and feel warm and happy and loved! christ, nobody’s ever done that so well, not ever…

love that lil’ lambchop!

new CDs:
CSN/Y: Carry On (condensed 2CD version of boxed set, unfortunately contains alternates of some of my fave tracks, which i only have on cassette and wanted the classic versions of on disc… oh well)
Neil Young: Decade
Pina: Quick Look
The Police: Message In A Box (complete recordings)
awaiting
The Catherine Wheel: Happy Days

been absent.

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went to St. Louis this past week. spent every minute with Ria for two days seeing the whole city (wow!), then spent the next two days hardly ever leaving the hotel room. she kinda pissed me off saturday, but whatever. didn’t really get to actually experience anything, except for Union Station and several bars. picked up some apartment guides. i need to move from this place, and am definitely considering STL, although traffic is a nightmare (no shit– Ria drives like freakin’ Neil Cassady!) and crime sucks. i totally did not see my ol’ SMM pal Kristen… sent her an e-mail and did get a vague reply, but have yet to hear back from her again. so no plans ever got made to meet up. oh well.

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been offline a lot lately. last night i went online for the first time in weeks (okay, second; first time visible), and guess who’s still out there? yup, got an IM from the inhuman Reptile Girl. you know, the one who kicked me when i was down? that one. i asked her why she never even bothered to apologize for fucking me over, and she gave me some really lame excuse, like it’s too embarrassing or something like that. meh, whatever. hard to know what the final tally on the sheer number of regrets for that one is. but i won’t list them here, or even contemplate them. what’s done is done; and nothing can make things right, alleviate the hard feelings, or make me feel any better, or worse, about it. a sad, empty chapter in my life… thank god/dess (hail Eris, indeed!) it’s finally over. i can’t imagine how much worse it could have gotten, but i’m pretty sure she had no limit on the depth of sheer cruelty. a mean streak like that could have serious opportunities.

not to go on and on about it, but… i’ve since analysed her and come up with some pretty interesting conclusions. the one that kills me is how she has this amazing talent for bad breakups, which i believe corresponds to her unwillingness to give much of herself emotionally and her general misgivings about committing. pure Pavlov. weird.

okay, done with all that. :D i rock + she fucked up and missed out!

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started writing a book, although i need to resketch it a bit, since it’s painfully obvious that unless i do something, i’m going to end up with a thinly veiled clone of Kerouac’s The Subterraneans. for anyone who’s ever read that one, you’ll know what i’m writing about, and why.

speaking of books, i finally read Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray. great read.

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so… bad things going out, and good things (will explain some other time)coming in. let’s see what happens in the coming weeks….

cool, Ria (my old friend in STL who i used to date and who took me across Europe with her, sweet girl) just called me. she sounded very positive about my visit and as it turns out, she’ll be off from work pretty much the entire time i’m there! i have a good feeling about this visit. the last time we met we weren’t speaking, if you get my meaning. but things have cleared up so wonderfully since then and the vibes are so sweet and fresh and good. my only real worry is that old feelings might creep up in me again, which wouldn’t be so bad i guess but i’m sure she wouldn’t have it. damn, come to think of it, i’d marry that woman in a heartbeat if she’d let me. (the thought of marriage disgusts me normally.) shit, it’s like Paris all over again: gotta keep myself in check, but we see where that went to last time. i’m sure everything’ll be okay. or will it? i mean, should i… ah, me… i must wait and see. oh, i’ll be groovy and stuff, won’t even make any mention of any possibilities if (when) it doesn’t look like it, but god DAMN it’s a real thrill to get to see her again, after 5.5 years (hail Eris indeed!)….

oh, Ria… you were such a heartbreak for me… but i’m so much better now, and at least you weren’t cruel and spiteful like Lisa was… (in fact you were very sweet and gentle and kind) …and i’m so happy to be able to see you again!!!

il est été beaucoup trop longtemps, mon ami de doux coeur…

packing of course for the road trip (see below), and was rereading Kerouac’s great The Subterraneans, but was too disheartened to realise that i was reading a tale far too close (down to the everything! my heart…) to my own recent loving misadventure and so sought for my giant Thoreau anthology but couldn’t find it, damn it, so now i’m looking for a more suitable story to read or reread, with heavy heart of course and also in a way morbidly cheerful. almost picked up Dostoesvky’s Crime and Punishment, also Steppenwolf (Hesse), but maybe i’ll settle on Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Joyce’s Ulysses is far too much for a road trip of course, but i’m way behind on that; and The Drifters by Michener is what i’m currently loving, but in hardback form and rather ragpapered… it won’t do this time. ah, me.

also deleted my livejournal today as i want to have nothing more to do with it, especially with the specific personified reason i first started on the accursed thing. not to be bitter you understand, but i just feel like i’m done with that whole (hole) scene, dig? and essentially just don’t need the trouble and sadness that it brings me each day. lighten the load, i always say, see you travel lean and you get to certain places faster that way.

man, i need to cop some more of this heart-splitting romance stuff! heavy love, can you dig it? there are certain nightmares i’ve just always had a certain macabre fondness for, ah!

road trip tomorrow (morning, early). gone until the 23rd, i think. St. Louis, MO.

added more stuff: nav linkage to webrings page (as soon as i can figure out how to migrate the fucker), the guestbook (no archives yet), and the other meat-thing.com sites. also updated the sitemap.

road trip to St. Louie wednesday. nervous about seeing my friend Ria again. it’s been 5.5 years. hail Eris! …will be back maybe around the 22nd or so.

yay! my good pal Tony called tonight and came over. we drank some beers and played some music. he had the new Peter Gabriel CD (wtf??!), which i can say after listening to it completely is WELL FUCKING WORTH IT. had some good laughs & reminisced a little bit. he reminded me of the time that me and his brother Jeremy and him (before i really even knew him) went to McDonalds in Park Layne in my Pinto and had some crazy mischief with a canister of CO2, when we were all teenagers. showed him the pics of the girl i used to want. (his opinion on that is that i need to stay the fuck way away, which i completely agree with him on.) we’re going to go to the Over The Rhine show at Canal Street Tavern next saturday. Good Times.