Year: 2006

complete social paralysis… too much work, not enough free time… tired of long, late hours… inability to call it quits in City of No Jobs… stuck in a rut, working that hamster-wheel, endlessly, endlessly… no let-up… need to create stifled by need to pay bills… reality sets in… all my potential wasted… drained, powerless… weakening… my resolve is a sinking ship… overwhelmed by commitment to carry on somehow… need to let go, let it all go… whatever happened to the Dream? …it’s too late to turn back now, my next 35 years will be similarly wasted in either swimming back to the starting shore, or swimming to the other side, where awaits, what?, a long walk back to the starting point to do it all over again… or, just drown in the middle… not the right time to take a risk, to gamble on what has always, always proven to be miserable failure in the past…

my job is crushing my soul and sapping my will to live. and it doesn’t get any better in this awful city i used to love.

i need enough time and money to go back to college so i can somehow manage to get out of this rut with enough time and money to go back to college so i can somehow manage to get out of this rut with enough time and money to go back to college so i can somehow manage to get out of this rut…

i could create my way to freedom, if only i had the freedom to create.

FUCKNESS!!!

First great job lead i’ve had in, well, FOREVER… and their site blowed up on me!! I cannot save my profile no matter what i try! (yes, i tried signing out and back in, with worse results).

i am forever doomed to be a member of the servant caste.

Fuckity fuckfuck.

almost got into it bad with the boss lady yesterday. Here’s a kinda-how-it-went fictionalized excerpt:

“Jeremy, your Aux* time is a little high; why’s that?”

“I dunno. Too many calls last week?”

“Yeah… but…?”

“I dunno, it’s always really bad.”

“What can we do to impr–“

“It’s not gonna happen.”

“Um. ?.”

“It’s been 8 months, 50 hours a week now, and i’m not getting any better, no kidding! It’s too much and i can’t do it anymore!”

“I don’t like your–“

“I’m trying, and i’m overworked and burning out, and it’s been 8 months, 50 hours a week, and i just can’t do it anymore! It’s just not working, and that’s just how it is. I can try all i want, but it’s not getting any better, and it never will, so that’s just that!”

And on and on. I was animated; truth be told, i was shaking with rage and nearly hyperventilating. The adrenaline kicked in and i was this close || to just saying to hell with it and standing up and walking out.

She was surprisingly cool about it, too, i must admit. I worked the rest of my shift anyway.

*AUX time: putting ourselves on hold between calls. We get ~15min/day. I’ve been just under the “Meets Expectations” line for a while now.