Author: jae

c’mon, somebody donate one of these to me… you could all pool yr resources, couldn’ ya? i’ve been having so many really GREAT musical ideas running through my head lately, but nothing to put ’em on.

wow, just met the coolest chick canvassing for http://ohiocitizen.org/ …a beautiful smelly hippie girl in a bandana, with lovely brown skin and dark eyes; gave her $5. made some small talk. let her use the wc.

mmm canvas.

maybe i should go for a walk.

http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~ulzkls/Advertisement.htm

subtle AND over-the-top, all at once… just keep looking until you get it. takes no more than ten seconds to dawn on you how freakin’ hilarious it is. be CERTAIN that you read the preface at the top first.

there is nothing in this world more disgusting and inevitable than suddenly realizing that you have lost track of the fly you had been fighting off moments before when you were making what you had until very recently considered a delicious peanut butter sandwich.

just completed the first mix tape i’ve done in YEARS… aside from the crappy audio (my sony rack system’s in storage, but one ‘in’ jack was busted on the tape deck anyhow), and the fairly sappy (yet excellent) assortment i’ve masterfully chosen, it came out PERFECT. i am the Lord of Timing… zero seconds left on both sides, without a single razor edit! oh yeah…

now if i can just find out who did that old song on the Blade Runner sdtrk for the label….

i was sitting in my royal excremeditation chamber when it dawned on me that the reason i’ve been in so fell a mood is because i have been reading Hakim Bey. nothing against the guy (except that he’s a real pederast), but he tends to make a person feel pretty pessimistic, cynical, and even nihilistic. makes me feel like the whole world has anonymously betrayed me.

so i’m putting T.A.Z. down for a little while. it’s not like i learned a whole lot that i hadn’t already known, or at the least learnt about via my associations with various Underground Illumination Agents*.

*tell no one you saw this phrase. you know nothing. the number twenty-three doesn’t mean anything to you, nor will you begin to notice an abundance of iterations of that number in the “world” around “you”.
neither will you ever notice the fnords.

a good talk last night with my… umfriend (thanks for the word X/L!)

…but i wish she would tell me when something’s on her mind what it is, instead of worrying me. all i want is to be calmed, tho’ i suppose it is selfish. but really, i just can’t stand it when someone i care about is showing pain and i feel helpless. i can’t even offer any meaningful words, because i have no idea what kind of personal trauma she may be going through. and it’s none of my business, except that i care.

anyway, we talked about “us” and stuff, which of course was subtly traumatic, considering there is nowhere to go and no way to get there. she lives in the next state over, but i’m talking more metaphorically… apparently she’s soon going to tell her b/f about us (yes, it’s that complicated), but i understand there’s a good chance that it’ll be okay, ‘coz i guess they’re pretty cool about stuff, which is nice. i feel bad for him of course, but mostly i just worry that i may be messing something up for her. the whole thing really kinda plays a little (ok, a lot) like my relationship with my friend Cat in that regard.

funny thing is, the other day we more or less agreed to keep things a little cooler than they had been, but suddenly we find ourselves with lots of free, free time at night and with a pair of webcams. so things have actually notched up pretty dramatically. in fact, exponentially. no, i swear to fuck we’re not cybering or stripping or anything like that! it’s just that… i dunno, the connection, the human connection… suddenly it’s not so much another set of fingers out there in cyberspace, but a whole human body, complete with a real-life setting in the background. and expressions… all sorts of expressions… not just silly emoticons… real, live wonderful smiles, made entirely out of meat and bone and sinew. hardly any silicon now, except for the circuits our words and images navigate thru, which i guess is really the same amount, right down to the last atom, but feels a lot more soft and tangible now… warm… things are getting a lot more REAL, even if there still is little chance of any non-virtual romance.

i wonder what the future holds in store for us.

& for us all….

yesterday i killed a fly. that is the first act of violence i have committed against another organic in years. i feel i may do it again soon.

i am falling from grace. though it is not lost in me, i am not manifesting the dharma lately.

i’ve always heard that many cultures have a Deluge (Flood) myth, but www.bigmyth.com really helps to make it even more dramatic. not only do MOST of the cultures i’ve read thus far (i’m all the way through the americas) have a flood myth, but i just read that in Voudoun, they even have a really odd bit about a rainbow.

…kinda creepy to see a snake dry-humping the ground as he’s about to pronounce the refraction of light his soulmate.

www.bigmyth.com fucking rocks.

i should point out that the vast majority of the time, the entry under “current music” is usually what’s in my head, not what’s playing.

at this particular moment i am being mindslayed by one of my favourite songs from yesteryear. i don’t mind that i cannot get it out of my head, and in fact have been running around the house lip-synching and doing a sort of watered-down Dave impression. call it silent karaoke.

.qmud
v
v
v

What kind of Drug Addict are you?
all things considered, this is pretty funny!

of course, i only ever did coke once (twice, technically), and that was years ago. eh.

in REALITY, however…

What kind of Drug Addict are you?

i believe that my friend Cassandra got married this afternoon. i wasn’t actually invited, which of course is a little bit weird for me, but considering the weird tension we’ve always seemed to have, especially under the influence of alcohol (a fact i cannot stress enough & which in fact gives me loads of stress, all things considered), i figured that reception would equal alcohol, which would equal her and me being drunk at the same time and in the same place, which would also very possibly equal multiple (well-deserved, i might add) black eyes for yours truly. the thing now, however, is that i do not know if i should ever see her again at all. i’d love to, because i love her to pieces (she’s really a terrific chick), but i’ve been sort of blowing her off for months now, and i kind of think that it might just be a better idea to maintain that like some weird contra-satisfaction fix.

read this post by my friend, who is a deva.

What Kind of Goth Are You?

This dark quiz was made by Xenianth!

actually,

What Kind of Goth Are You?

This dark quiz was made by Xenianth!

is a little closer, but

What Kind of Goth Are You?

This dark quiz was made by Xenianth!

is nearly there.

listen:

some things happened that were lousy. but they weren’t THAT lousy. just a rogue snowball, z’all.

i’m dreadfully sorry anyone had to see me air that shit live. my sincerest apologies to everyone. and my deepest thanks to those who called, commented, IM’d, and so forth.

i’m over it, so is she.

we’re cool with it, i guess.

keeping my distance, trying to be more careful and less casual about my squishy fuzziness (that’s “feely crap”). i tend to give my shit away before i realise that i might need it for myself. i tend to fall for people who don’t need it. so i’m backindafuckup.

i spend a lot of my time backindafuckup. and eating crow & apologizing.

i just went apeshit because this has been a crappy, crappy year and i’m all stressed out.

*sigh*

i am SUCH a drama freak.

the new transmothra.com v3.0 prototype is here.

it’s MUCH cleaner.

it’s maybe a little cliched; you know, it’s got that über-clean emo-tech blogger-boi look. but wtf? i think it’s gonna be a lot better.

i feel horrible.

something crappy happened the other day, and i don’t know what it was, but i know it will affect me for a while nonetheless.

damn. i’m such a horrible person. i can’t keep friends. no wonder i don’t have any friends IRL. no wonder nobody ever calls. i act like an asshole too much.

i wasn’t the only one with a shitty attitude, though.

but i shouldn’t lash out when i get my stupid feelings hurt. when did i stop bottling things up? i used to keep everything under my shirt. now i hack and slash and burn my way through what little that still stands of my social life.

jesus christ. i have nobody close to me anymore. i’ve run them all off.

some of them SHOULDA been run off. some of them just make me uncomfortable. come to think of it, there’s gonna be a wedding tomorrow that i coulda ruined if i hadn’t done certain things badly.

which makes me think: obviously most things are better off without me.

i’m such an extremist. i have so much love and compassion, and so much bitterness and hatred. i’m a walking fuckin’ Tao on a thai stick.

laugh at the whiny loser. go ahead, i can’t hear you.

transmothra.com v3.0 coming soon.

MUCH cleaner layout, look & feel. total redesign – from the ground up.

laying to rest the word “lair,” as it’s a pretty sophomoric word to use in a website title.

there will be rainbows. black, black, accurséd rainbows. (think Dave Louapre and Dan Sweetman’s Beautiful Stories For Ugly Children: “Die Rainbow Die”)

yes, i AM feeling THAT dark, and THAT gloomy, and i don’t give a shit WHAT you think.