Author: jae

happy birthday to:
graspingbeauty, who seems real cool and down with all the right causes and lives nearby
and
seanp, who is one of the very best reasons to own a stereo system (he rocks so right)

!!!!!

at one time, not so long ago, i was going to write a book where every single character dies, and on dying, said or did something really funny or ironic.

i just hope to hell that when my time comes, i’ll have a great line (and the capacity to deliver it).

when i was a wee lad, i took apart my record player and wired it up to simulate stereo sound. it was extremely primitive, but i was around ten at the time. my favorite book in 4th grade was A Wrinkle In Time, by Madeleine L’Engle. in 5th grade i was churning out radio play scripts like nobody’s business. most of them were parodies of pop-culture films and television and whatnot. some were original sci-fi works. in junior high, i designed two game systems. one was an unfinished RPG set on the planet i claimed to have come from (go figure). the other was a space combat simulator set in the Star Trek universe, and was like a highly advanced version of Battleship, but on graph paper. it was very detailed, and me and my buddies played the HELL out of it. i had the best, most accurate, and most detailed ship maps around. i still have them in storage, and whenever i run across them, i’m always pretty proud of them. by the time i finished 8th grade, i had expanded it into an RPG. in high school, i was a playwright, a cartoonist (actually, that started in 3rd grade), an amateur filmmaker, an actor, a theoretical physicist (okay, that’s stretching things just a bit), and a musician. i wasn’t half bad at any of these things, either.

then i discovered sex (14), drugs (18), and rock and roll (12). also booze (18) and cigarettes (16).

i blame none of these things for me having turned out an idiot.

but the booze and the reefer didn’t help much. i went from being a pretty smart kid to a pretty stupid adult between 18 and 24. i think i’ve quite possibly burned more braincells than i have remaining. i often refer to my brain as “my brain cell,” and i’m really not joking… just exaggerating. i’m practically fucking retarded now. when i open up my new Discover magazine every month, my favorite thing to do is to read but NOT solve the braintwisters in the back. i get a big kick out of thinking to myself ‘damn, i wish i could still think hard enough to do these’ and then read the articles. i used to be able to do that stuff, but i just can’t think very rigorously anymore. i can see in my mind the shape of a hypersphere, but i can’t figure out how to solve those damn little mind bogglers. i can barely scrape my way through one of those Dell Logic Problems books that they sell in grocery stores anymore – and even then, i leave several of the harder ones unfinished.

but it’s not the drugs or the booze themselves. it’s the fact that for several years i drank far too much, and for a few years i got stoned far too often and too deeply. having said that, i would not recommend those things to anyone. even my beloved LSD has far too many clauses under which one must exercise the utmost caution to benefit from, so from a practical POV, i can’t really even recommend that anymore, generally speaking.

drugs and booze don’t fuck your head up. it’s USING them unwisely that does. drug users walk a very thin line, and i daresay that 99% of them don’t have any clue what they’re doing. the other day when i said that i arbitrarily gave up pot and other drugs? that’s only partially true. i was also sick and tired of being around other druggies. i can’t stand potheads any more. such wastes! living just to suck on that fine, sweet grass. i love the grass, too, man, believe me – but damn, y’all… ya GOTS ta have some perspective! every day use? jesus. that’s just sad and pathetic. even weekly use of reefer is pushing it. if i could get back into it – and believe me, i want to, i just don’t want to deal with the other pot-heads – i’d smoke a little teeny tiny bit maybe 1-3 times a month, if not less. just enough to space me out and give me cosmic miiiiiiind-powers and all that crazed bullshit.

this is not about drugs; it’s about me turning into a wasted splash of vegetable-jelly instead of the well-rounded, productive, and meaningful member of humanity that i was initially destined to be.

what a waste. sad and pathetic!

there’s probably nothing more heart-dropping than realising that you’ve become nothing more than just another one of the brainless mob that continues to ruin this civilization. to the very core, i am Joe Camaro, and i will never be anything more than another blue-collar slob. if i woke up tomorrow to discover that i suddenly liked wrasslin’, watching Springer on teevee, collecting “Girls Gone Wild” tapes, and pit-bulls, i’d kill myself on sheer principle. i don’t want to be one of the unwashed masses… i don’t want there to BE an unwashed mass. i want everyone to suddenly be smart as hell, make good decisions that are not emotionally-based, give a crap about the future (and the present!) of humanity, and to take positive steps forward instead of constantly standing still. but that’s not going to happen, and it’s all my fault. me and people like me.

Sixpack Steve. i have a right to an SUV and a super-sized All-Amurikin McFatass Value Combo I’m-a-Winner-No-Really Meal™. i have a right to sick my bull mastiff on your ass if you come near my house in anything other than a heterosexual personnel-delivery vehicle. i have a right to shoot my guns in your neighborhood. i have a right to make the world around me more stupid simply by my presence. i am l’Americain Stupide, goddammit, and i’ll pinch your wife’s ass any god damned time i feel like it! i have rights! i have the freedom to stomp your ass for saying bad things about Jesus or the President. i have the freedom to never read a book again for the rest of my life, to sit around the house after work playing video games until my eyeballs fall out of their sockets and land in my 400-oz Megaslurp and then bounce around the neighborhood drunk looking for teenaged girls to forcibly “seduce” with my giant hairy beer gut (and my rabbit-huntin’ pistol).

that’s the attitude i’m going to have to adjust to, if i’m going to live up to my potential as a Regular Guy.

…never!

perhaps i wouldn’t have given in to my escapist tendencies if i hadn’t been lied to all thoughout my childhood. i grew into a world that was vastly worse than the one i was set up to expect, and i am bitter and resentful of that. when i have kids, they’re going to grow into a world that’s better or equal to their expectations. no lies. no fat old man in red pyjamas who loves them so much that he forsakes his christmas vacation every year to break into their homes and leave sick little bribes. how creepy is that anyway? why did that lie stick around, for shit’s sake?! no, no lies for my kids. they’ll be little hardasses with hearts of solid gold. they’ll know about homelessness and famine, disease and devastatingly bloody political wars and they’ll understand what hard times are all about. they’ll grow up knowing that just a matter of decades before them, humankind was so sick and depraved that people actually enslaved their own just to make a buck and avoid cutting into their bottom line. they’ll know that men are greedy pigs. they’ll know that people are selfish and degenerate and will turn you in at a moment’s notice if they can’t make you their fuck dolls or their whipping boys. they’ll know that god is a primitive myth that fools teach their children in order to get them to behave and take their licks, just or unjust, without complaint. they’ll understand that there is not going to be a messiah, ever, unless they themselves want to try to save the world; and they’ll know that they will probably fail, because humans are a lot stupider than anyone ever gives them credit for being. they’ll know that all bosses are inherently evil. they’ll know that the workers get paid far less than the managers, who do nothing, and that the owners, who do even less, get paid thousands of times more than even the managers. they’ll understand that they are being forced into an fucked up, foolish, upside-down world that they never asked for. and they’ll be happier knowing that what they actually get is no worse that what they were set to expect.

finished changing the oil on the Dart. ran around the block and no trannie slippage. nice! runs so smooth. driving that car is like slipping on wet glass in silk pajamas. HOWEVER… i also tried to install a new fuel filter. you get about an inch and a half to squeeze about 5 inches of filter, filter case, and two hoses. when i was almost done, it was pretty bendy-looking, but would have done okay if it weren’t for the fact that that last clamp was impossible to get to, even using tiny spring-loaded surgical-looking needlenose pliers. so i have to rip the whole fucking mess back out (it’s really a serious bitch to squeeze that shit in, trust me) and start over tomorrow. i think i gouged a hole in one of the hoses with the plier teeth trying to skrink it on the fuel line. add to that brand new nicks and cuts from working in tight quarters with lots of mid-70s Amurkin-quality sharp steel around my precious little guitar-pickin’ fingers. the most excellent cut is on my index finger, just where it webs going to the thumb. of course, when spilling gasoline, it went RIGHT to that cut, plus the manifold burn i got yesterday, and the blister from the cigarette burn the other day. so i probably have carcinogenic toxins in my bloodstream. must remember to check for the red line down my arm later. i think i’ll be alright. breathing that gasoline fumage didn’t make me feel too much better. by the time i missed the 8pm Simpsons episode, i was ready to burn the whole fookin’ car, just like that guy that Ponch got his Firebird from in CHiPs. also noticed some real bad surface rust along the passenger side. MUST get car painted by next summer. i hate having to do that, since everything on this car, except for fluids and filters, is original. but if i don’t….

where i was…

20 years ago –
i don’t remember. i was eleven, so i was probably playing with my wee-wee. or learning how to. and building model cars and things. the glue smelled pretty and made things sparkle. serious Trek-head, having recently converted.

15 years ago –
driving my ’79 Pinto wagon (seriously, it was actually a pretty boss ride – and quick, too). teaching myself to play guitar. writing awful songs. playing in cover bands. cutting myself with a razor. getting into punk rock and prog rock and jazz. just starting to question the religion i had thrown myself into. also questioning many social mores and taboos. and gay-bashing. seriously. i was pourin’ on the Hatorade. don’t worry, i kicked my own ass for that already. my theory stands: all fag-bashers are secretly queer themselves. slingin’ pies for Primo’s Pizza in Park Layne. will walk out on job at least three times over 2-3 years. will soon abandon Star Trek when TNG turns out to be lame and the whole scene starts getting bloated with sophomoric meaningless techno-jargon. in love with a girl, my first, who will be with me for a total of 3 long years. have afro.

10 years ago –
just dropped out of college. had a useless certificate from The Recording Workshop. fancied myself quite the acid guru. spiritually pure at this point, yet still a drug-addled degenerate. slingin’ pies for Smiley’s Dope-fiend Pizza. will walk out or abandon job twice in the coming months. in 7 months, will move to J-ville, FL. madly in love with a girl who only sees me as a friend. she hates me now. have giant muttonchops and long squiggly hair and beard.

5 years ago –
got back from a month-long trek across most of Western Europe a year and a half ago. working my first customer service call center job. will abandon job in a few months. seriously addicted to the Playstation. arbitrarily quit smoking pot. in the next 5 years, will smoke less than 2 joints’ worth, but will be staggeringly stoned about 5 times. haven’t done acid (or speed, or anything else) in a couple of years. still haven’t. no reason. recently cut my hair off. a year after breakup with Ria. in love with no one.

1 year ago –
dealing with recent death of my grandmother. just started first job back in Ohio, at a call center in Springfield. i hate this job so much i actually CAN taste it. working hard, pro bono, on a website for our high school’s giant “all-class reunion.” will abandon call center job in a couple months. hair v long again. in a few months, will fall madly in love and have it all shatter to pieces in my face.

yesterday –
looking for a job. working for money (however little) on another website related to the local school district. just got my driver’s license back after a 30-day suspension for speeding. enjoying my grandfather’s new puppy. acting like an asshole on a regular basis via the internet. was madly in love until a few days ago.

tomorrow –
will mend ways, quit smoking, stop drinking, earn a degree, become a better person, learn how to be social again without anxiety or The Fear, exercise regularly and eat right, become politically active again, stop lashing out at others, get a good job that i like, move out, find a girl who will against all odds love me and bear my freakish spawn, fall in love with her, live happy and full and fit, record album of great rock music, get my work out there and noticed, die famous famously. all tomorrow.

so today was generally a Good Damn Day. it was absolutely beautiful out. my grandfather had bought a chain and spike for the dog, so i chose a spot and put it in the yard and had an extended play session with Matty. she sure is bitey. she’s an Australian Cattle Dog, which is rumored to be part dingo (!!), so it’s bred into her. most dogs lick, and sometimes bite. she bites, and sometimes licks. she also chokes a lot, because she can’t seem to stop eating grass. talk about a cow-dog. she freakin’ grazes. poor thing. she’s got a cold, too, so her little puppy nose is snotty and crusty, and she even sneezes blood i think. poor little baby puppy dog. also, it’s now been one full week since i’ve talked anything other than baby-talk. i have to tell you, i am absolutely ridiculous about doggies. i’m getting better. or trying.

anyhow, i also drove the car around to warm up the transmission (“tri-mission!,” as Ria jokingly calls it in her hilarious hick accent), then put in a quart and a half of fluid. then, stupid me, i started to change the oil. i got about 2-3 liters out (of a 5.2-liter engine), before realizing that i forgot to run the engine first. it had been a coupla hours since running it, so the oil was only a little warm. it’s still draining right now. i’ll probably just have to put up with having only a little over half new oil in it until the next change. i can’t believe i let the oil change go for so long that i actually forgot how to properly do it! what a dumb ass. and i call myself a motorhead! actually, that’s not quite true, either. most things about car work i find too daunting to take on myself. anything involving fairly serious dismantling i avoid like the plague. i’ve done some work myself, and the engine is fairly Flintstone. but things like that busted passenger-side wiper motor i won’t go near. i also pounded out the dents made by getting stuck on a guy wire that night when i took Tony to his girlfriend’s place (i woke his ass up and told him we were stuck, and he got out and pushed like hell, apparently unaware that i was screaming at him that we were hooked on a guy wire!). the moulding around the wheel isn’t half bad, but the damage is still noticeable, especially on the underside. pretty bad surface rust there, too.

so yeah, tomorrow i finish the oil change. i was thinking about sacrificing a couple qts of oil and running the engine for a few minutes… but i’m just not sure how dumb that idea really is. i don’t want to fuck it up, but i HATE having gritty, black oil in my baby.

my Mopar wish list: a 4bbl Carter carb, headers, and dual exhaust (these models – Dart SE – actually CAME with dual exhaust, believe it or not. they’re much badder than they look). and a serious paint job. like non-Maaco. i mean a real GOOD paint job, by people who love old muscle cars as much as i do.

ALSO i received in the mail my extended version of the new Fleetwood Mac album. allow me?

i have to admit, and i hate this, but i honestly didn’t think they could recapture the Magic(k) on this album, especially since Christine McVie is no longer a member of the band (though she is credited as an “additional performer” – i wish the credits were more detailed, like say, Peter Gabriel’s, because i really want to know just how involved she was on this).

i should have known better, especially since The Dance was so phenomenally good.

this album is absolutely incredible. not exactly classic Fleetwood Mac. well… in a way. let me just say that Stevie is still doing songs in the “lost little girl” vein. they’re frankly pretty mediocre. in fact, i was disappointed in her lyrics. she’s lost her edge and appears to be just singing her thoughts out loud as they occur. some of her lyrics are just trite and sophomoric… real odd when you consider that she actually fookin’ wrote “Landslide” – and 30 damn years ago, to boot. Lindsey, on the other hand, has firmly sealed his role as mad genius and all-around musical god, as if he already hadn’t done that several times over already. there’s plenty of his ultrafast fingerpicking. there’s a ton of skronky weirdness and his classic, demonic-sounding, shrieking tenor. his lyrics and his delivery are, as always, quite mad. in short, his contributions are manic, bizarre, mind-blowing, frenetic, often confusing, and always exhilarating. Mick Fleetwood has expanded his “boom-WHACKA” style by leagues. in fact, he’s the only one who makes them sound like they’re not really Fleetwood Mac. i guess they were trying to be more modern and update their sound. and for once, an aging rock band actually pulled that trick off quite well! they sound totally invigorated throughout most of the album (which is 18 songs wide, btw)! John McVie is, as always, John McVie. he never changes, because he has it down and is always tight. one of the most underrated bass players out there. not phenomenal, but very together and tasty.

to put it plainly, this is an album worthy of being in your deck right now. it is, against whatever odds, a really very interesting rock record. it sounds new, and yet timeless and classic. and you can actually remember the melodies to several songs and hum them later, unlike the vast majority of records! truly an amazing feat. they still have it in them. definitely run out and buy this one. the expanded version has a Dylan cover, an extra song, and two perfect, live versions of songs already on the album. in my opinion, unless you’re a huge Dylan fan, you can go with the regular version.

i just privatized two posts from last night. the “i’m just getting started” one (right before i tried saying something about a sandwich, i think, and then passed out), and the poll about another post from yesterday. the poll one i don’t think anyone should really see, because i think that, in hindsight, it was just kind of shitty to do that poll.

i said some shitty things but i stuck up for myself and just got sick and tired of her casual references to things that would make ANY guy go nuts. actually, that wasn’t the part i disliked; it was the fact that things usually never came with any sort of explanation. i think she was pushing to see how far i’d bend without breaking, or else… to see how long i could take being paranoid about her sexuality and still stick around.

so i guess i’m not too good of a person. no sarcasm there. if i were a better person, i’d probably have just kept on and shook it off… and ended up being played like a sucka. by someone. eventually. but i can’t do that. i’m far too selfish to stick around when someone’s either trying to make me jealous or just talking shit or what-have-you.

but i’m not just done with her, i’m done with talking about her. i’m not soapboxing here, i’m just recording what’s going on in my head. with this post anyway. anyway, shit went too far on both sides, and i’m not gonna play anymore. i don’t want to be a nasty jerk, and i have already crossed that line 5 times over. she can say what she wants and she has every right to, but i’m just done. i can’t deal with it.

don’t get me wrong, i feel good. i’m not all sad, or secretly whining to myself about things. it’s a shame that things degenerated so rapidly, and it’s partly my fault. i overreacted to things that i had every right to react to. i’d say we’re about 50-50. but no overtime for me. i’m withdrawing.

so, to recap: i said things that i am shameful about. and i meant them. i meant them and i am sorry. but i really didn’t mean to be as cruel as i may have sounded. if it sounded as terrible and heartless as i’m afraid it did, then i just need to be taken out back and put down for good. because that shit just ain’t even right. i ain’t getting played like no sucka, though… whether she was or not, i’m not going to put myself in some spot where it could happen. i don’t see why she doesn’t understand how those certain things she said could be taken by anyone, in any context, to be a little sketchy-sounding.

oh and one more thing: she’s not really the bad person i hope i didn’t but probably did make her out to be. she’s not a bad person. she’s recklessly confusing, and i think on purpose, but she’s not a bad person.

i’m not sure if any of this makes sense, and i’m not going to read over it and edit it or whatever, because i’ve said pretty much everything i wanted to say, and now that i’ve said it, i want to just go and bury it in the backyard next to all the other ghosts and get on with my life.

i’m not totally happy, but i’m definitely okay. i hope she’s okay, too. and that’s it.

and SOME people think i’m not assertive enough!

BOOM!

to whom it may concern:

it’s okay. i’m done. i’ve been done from the very second that you mentioned leaving your thong over at some other guy’s place. smooth move! i was even more done, if that’s possible, when you locked that particular post away from me, showing me precisely how credible you are as a potential g/f. smooth move!

see, in The Biz™, we call the kind of thing that you and i have been doing “being in the process of hooking up.” and that kind of shit ain’t real aerodynamic, if you know what i mean.

call me petty!

oh, wait… it was all “just a joke,” right? ha ha.

so go ahead and hook up with your boss, and make out with Gabe on the side. believe me, THAT little arrangement couldn’t POSSIBLY end in tears.

story of my life.

dammit. Mozilla doesn’t like something at all. it keeps crashing while i’m testing out my new mars skin.

i’m having problems with the menu. since the menu items are in list form, i have to use display:inline to get them to go left-right… but some items have descriptions with a <br /> tag in front to knock them down below their respective links. i feel a slight overhaul is necessary.

incidentally, it’s viewing that particular menu that seems to be crashing Mozilla. the list items are very unstable for some reason. the sublist links won’t do hovers, and then they just disappear for some odd reason. it’s really weird, and i hope i can get that cleared up.

am working on a new mars skin now. to test the awesome power of my undefeatable Ro-Beast, i’m going to see if i can put together a more “traditional” layout. i’m calling it “tourist bureau” and it will have the menu in a bar up on top and have some cool images.

if i fail, i will swallow my capsule so my Enemies will never learn my Terrible Secrets.

FIXED the holy living FUCK out of the problem that was causing my MARS s.t.s. downloads page to screw up. BONUS!

to make a long story short…

what happens is that since IE on Win doesn’t do a good job at displaying PNGs, what i have to do is use what’s called an opacity filter in CSS (“cascading stylesheets”; that’s what formats the page, as opposed to the content itself – think of it as all the bold and italic commands in one separate file (along with a whole SLEW of other nifty things that get done, such as colors, backgrounds, positioning, etc….))

because IE on Win continues to suck ass-milk even at this stage, the lower opacity (translucency or semi-transparency) inherits itself from the parent element (a block housing certain specific content); both the background for the cool-looking window thing AND the text inside of it are semi-transparent, making it hard as hell to read at this point. even telling the text INSIDE the parent element to go back to 100% opacity won’t work, because Microsoft just sucks that damn much.

SO. what we need to do is put dummy content in first. this content will be totally semi-transparent, text and all. what the hell! we don’t care. because then, we’re going to put a top layer of solidly opaque, OTHERWISE IDENTICAL content on top of it (but if and ONLY if a program called a “browser sniffer” determines that the user is on a Windows machine and is using Infernal Exploiter).

now we have a layer of semi-transparent stuff, with the cool-looking shit that you can see the page background through, and a layer of totally opaque stuff on top, that we can actually read. (btw, the top layer doesn’t even have the background at all, otherwise it would be solid and we couldn’t see through it, which was our original goal).

THE PROBLEM WITH THE DOWNLOADS PAGE WAS THIS:
i’m using a download counter which declares a function (just a thing to count the number of times a link is clicked). because you cannot call a function with the exact same name and properties twice, you get a fatal error in PHP (the scripting language). so when the content is inserted once, everything’s okay. insert it again, however, and you’re fucked straight up the wall – without any butt-goo to ease the thrust.

what i did, then, was tell the browser that IF the page requested is called “download” *and* IF the browser happens to be IE/Win, then and only then we’ll include an ALTERNATE page the first time around (and the normal content the second time). that way, the function is only declared the second time. plus, if the user isn’t on IE/Win, and/or the page requested is not the “download” page, then everything functions as per normal, and the virtually-exact same content is called forth twice as usual.

i also, just for shits and giggles, i added an event handler to submit the skin change as soon as it is selected (as opposed to having to click the pesky button), and told it to display the name of the current skin by default in the skin selector. plus, i added the nifty PayPal donate button, just to have something to collect dust with.

i rock. so. fucking. hardcore.

keep me out of a job!

;)

updated the instruction manual with bug fix and updated the download .zip file as well. fix is not implemented by default, but the bug (and its fix) has been noted in the instructions.

holy CRAP. coming up on 100 downloads!!

note: removing the domain name info from the setcookie bit seems to do the trick:

replace /path/to/mars/ with whatever the path is to your mars folder (default is /mars/).

walked uptown to the dollar store and came home with a bagful of awesome deals on doggie treats, etc.

on the way back i spotted a glove in the street. it had been run over so many times that it was now permanently affiliated with a particular gang.

let that be a lesson to ya, kids. stay out of gangs.

up to 71 mars downloads now. sveegaard just posted an interesting workaround to the cookie problem. (hey diziara! try it and see if it works!)

astute, as always.

in other news, it will soon be illegal to be gay, and you will soon have no rights whatsoever the next time you’re arrested for saying something plucky about the “president”. (props to graspingbeauty and _hellion for the linkage)

my friend Pawrl, in sharpie scribblings on a box of 7oz cups in the stockroom of the liqua store i used to work at (he was the assistant store manager and the cat who turned me onto GBV, Tom Waits, Alan Moore, and Neil Gaiman), above the 6-digit codes he had written on it for inventory check one day:

“Damn the seven-ounce cups! Full speed ahead!” (the box had a schooner logo on the sides)
“Only Hitler used 7oz cups.”
(and 2 other equally bizarre/hilarious things i just can’t remember right now)

and on a colorful sale display of overstocked so-so champagne:

“Better than a spanking!”

Pawrl rocks.

here’s to you, Paul. *snik! snik! fffft!*