i just privatized two posts from last night. the “i’m just getting started” one (right before i tried saying something about a sandwich, i think, and then passed out), and the poll about another post from yesterday. the poll one i don’t think anyone should really see, because i think that, in hindsight, it was just kind of shitty to do that poll.
i said some shitty things but i stuck up for myself and just got sick and tired of her casual references to things that would make ANY guy go nuts. actually, that wasn’t the part i disliked; it was the fact that things usually never came with any sort of explanation. i think she was pushing to see how far i’d bend without breaking, or else… to see how long i could take being paranoid about her sexuality and still stick around.
so i guess i’m not too good of a person. no sarcasm there. if i were a better person, i’d probably have just kept on and shook it off… and ended up being played like a sucka. by someone. eventually. but i can’t do that. i’m far too selfish to stick around when someone’s either trying to make me jealous or just talking shit or what-have-you.
but i’m not just done with her, i’m done with talking about her. i’m not soapboxing here, i’m just recording what’s going on in my head. with this post anyway. anyway, shit went too far on both sides, and i’m not gonna play anymore. i don’t want to be a nasty jerk, and i have already crossed that line 5 times over. she can say what she wants and she has every right to, but i’m just done. i can’t deal with it.
don’t get me wrong, i feel good. i’m not all sad, or secretly whining to myself about things. it’s a shame that things degenerated so rapidly, and it’s partly my fault. i overreacted to things that i had every right to react to. i’d say we’re about 50-50. but no overtime for me. i’m withdrawing.
so, to recap: i said things that i am shameful about. and i meant them. i meant them and i am sorry. but i really didn’t mean to be as cruel as i may have sounded. if it sounded as terrible and heartless as i’m afraid it did, then i just need to be taken out back and put down for good. because that shit just ain’t even right. i ain’t getting played like no sucka, though… whether she was or not, i’m not going to put myself in some spot where it could happen. i don’t see why she doesn’t understand how those certain things she said could be taken by anyone, in any context, to be a little sketchy-sounding.
oh and one more thing: she’s not really the bad person i hope i didn’t but probably did make her out to be. she’s not a bad person. she’s recklessly confusing, and i think on purpose, but she’s not a bad person.
i’m not sure if any of this makes sense, and i’m not going to read over it and edit it or whatever, because i’ve said pretty much everything i wanted to say, and now that i’ve said it, i want to just go and bury it in the backyard next to all the other ghosts and get on with my life.
i’m not totally happy, but i’m definitely okay. i hope she’s okay, too. and that’s it.
