Author: jae

oye fell aslipe wootchen bladin’ PBS an gaddam me if ae’ve noye naught gat en airish accent! ae dinnae wot ae’m even sayen!

fooken grite.

i pranced today. yes, i pranced. i was watching VH1’s I Love the 80s. (man, that shit takes my ass way back– and i’d also really like to know what exact day it was, a few years ago, that VH1 went from being mind-numbingly dull and tired to being 20,000x hipper than MTV…)

it wasn’t one of those things where i caught myself prancing. i fully meant to. and it wasn’t a sissy prance either, like George Michael or something. it was more like a David Lee Roth kind of thing.

okay, maybe it was awfully sissy.

but i FELT it. and that can’t be so bad.

oh yeah, they had a whole segment on This Is Spinal Tap. rule.

R.I.P. Maurice Gibb.

warning: lots and lots of cursing ahead — tell your mom to go fuck herself and stop looking over your shoulder, ass face.

people who fuckin’ curse and swear and shit have slow goddamned brains. allow me to elaborate, asshole.

the use of fuckwords such as “fucking” and “shit” and goddamn “god damn” serves the same purpose as such pussyspeak as “gosh” and “darn” and pansy-assed British shit like “bloody” and “frigging”, and especially the words “uh” and “um”. they allow your motherfucking brain to catch up with your dickhole potty mouth. so when you go apeshit in between vastly more meaningful words – the stuff your shit ass is actually saying, the point you’re trying like a bitch to get across – you’re really just stumbling over your cock-smoking mouth. in short, your piss-mouth is moving faster than your goddamn shitty little brain can handle, cunt-cheese. think about it, shithole – couldn’t you come up with better similes than everything always being “as shit” or “like a motherfucker” all the time? it’s god damned meaningless… it’s only to hold your place while your stupid fucking pussy ass catches up.

so you might as well either talk shit, or act like a fucking cunt with even more meaningless wuss-words. it’s all the motherfucking same; these words are generally just piss-assed placeholders for actual goddamn thoughts. of course, talking like a shitfuck is kind of shitty, and you’ll lose a lot of assholes with that, so jesus-christ-on-a-stick, always try and keep it clean for better results, fuck face.

of course, i’ve also heard the opposite argument, from twats and assholes who seek to have a better underfuckingstanding of stutterers. they say that the brain is moving too fucking fast for the god damned mouth. jesus fucking christ, either goddamn way, you’re still a pissdick who can’t think straight or talk right.

let this be a lesson to you horse fuckers. it’s just as good to say shit like “uhhhhhh…” while you’re thinking of what next to shit out of your mouth as it is to piss off shit-for-brains dickheads, even if it makes you look like a damn pussy-assed bitch. you’re still getting your point across, you just look like a slightly more obvious cock-in-the-ass than if you’d used a fuckword instead.

recommendation: stay in college. train yourself to be cleverer than that. fucker.

disclaimer: the purpose of this “essay” was for juvenile parody, and maybe even a dash of enlightenment (or at least reasoning), and not for offending anyone. if you were actually offended in any way, i do humbly and earnestly apologize. i did not mean to offend, and it is never my intention to do anything solely for that purpose. fuck me, i hate pissing people off for no reason.

wtf??? DOM2 not backwards-compatible?!

let me restate once more, for those of you who may not be aware:
the w3c is completely full of shit.

happy deathday, Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico! see you on side two!

i watched Sesame Street today. yer damn right i did. i was going to put on Pollock, but i always have PBS on because it just fucking rocks. anyway, so Sesame Street was on.

and i’m convinced that whatever crazed, stoned (or straight up drug-addled) freaks created the show are obviously still up to their old tricks. i tell you, i almost went mad just watching it. allow me to describe:

four crazed monsters, all jumpin around and jibber-jabberin’, yappin’ and flappin’ their furry mouths like a bunch of speed freaks at Disneyland… suddenly, out of the floor springs a giant fucking burrito. let me say that again. a giant fucking burrito springs out of the floor. they rhapsodize about the goddamn thing for a few minutes, then devour it, foam faux cheese and lettuce and beans and meat flying every which way in the process. within ten seconds it was gone. then, one of them (of the same monster race as Telly) suddenly proclaims that it is now time to be chased by an elephant. let me say that again. it is now time to be chased by an elephant. the elephant throws open the door and, in a rather regal voice, declares that for a change of pace, he’s brought a chicken with him, so that he can be chased as well. let me say that again. he’s brought a chicken with him, so that he can also be chased. at this point, what ensues can only be described as complete and utter madness, as a cacophany of shrieking monsters, an elephant, and a chicken proceed to chase each other around this little straw shack for about 2 minutes, arms and legs (and trunk and comb) flying everywhere during the chaos.

then the elephant leaves and the chicken stays behind (naturally)… immediately one of the hairy screaming freaks shrieks that it’s nap time. every one of them (including the chicken) suddenly drops to the floor in a big pile of colorful furry limbs. a clock, offscreen, ticks. after about 4 seconds, a short alarm rings, and they all pop up, as if nothing incredibly odd had happened. they’d just taken their afternoon nap, that’s all.

next scene: The Count. he plays his pipe organ after a minute or two of furtively warming up, start-and-stop like. the first pipe screams “ONE!” (the Count is hoping to see what the Number of the Day is, apparently, and hence is playing notes until Something Happens.) then he plays the next note, a half step up. it of course screams “TWO!” and suddenly a violent party breaks out like a mariachi band being set on fire and shot out of a cannon. it would seem that the number two is in fact the celebrated digit du jour. SOOOO… what else to do but reward the viewer, simply for witnessing this bizarre display, by announcing that two tubas in tutus will now do a dance as a sort of tribal celebratory show in honor of the Magic Number? let me say that again. two tubas in tutus dance for the benefit of the stunned audience.

have you ever laughed so hard that no sound came out, that your entire consciousness was filled with such strange and tortured mirth that it was instantly clear that you had indeed suddenly gone temporarily, but no less drastically, insane? yup, that was me.

i’ve been thinking a lot about that trigger-happy, edgy, redneck prick cop in TN who blasted that poor puppy to bits recently. i don’t know what i could possibly say about it, though, except that those pigs are the biggest pussies on the planet. my baser side would really like to haul off and pop that fucker right in the mouth, but i’m not a barbarian like that, so. let’s just say i hope he runs into someone who is, because god damn it, he deserves it. i just can’t turn the other cheek when it comes to police brutality. especially when it comes to animals. especially young ones. especially defenseless young ones that are small. and especially young, small ones that aren’t doing a damn thing but jumping around and yipping and yapping and wagging their little tails in joy because they think they’re about to make a new friend. call me a hypocrite, because i damn sure am one.

now THIS is cool. thank gawd for Cecil Adams.

(although he did explain some things a little inaccurately in spots.)

one of my ecosphere‘s shrimp died because fucking MORONS don’t understand that the gravel in the bottom is like giant fucking boulders to the shrimp. ya gotta watch how it settles after you’ve been shaking the god damned thing around like a christing snow globe.

these things are supposed to be able to support life for a decade or more, and i’ve already lost an inhabitant after two weeks.

R.I.P. Silas
(okay, i never actually bothered naming them. i’ll take suggestions)

here’s how Powdered Slim-Fast^tm works:

it’s just grounded up chocolate-flavored sand. that’s it. ain’t nothin’ to it. and since it doesn’t mix well with anything outside of other sand, you end up burning even more calories than you would have consumed, had you actually eaten something that had any sort of nutritional value to it.

and that’s it!

anybody have any other burning questions they’d like answered?

“War does not determine who is right – only who is left.” -Bertrand Russell, saint

well, call me moron!

lookie here:

for a quickie, i just copied the output source code from my main site and put a buncha garbage in, which means that i completely forgot and i didn’t put my PHP sniffer in there at all! and the sniffer is where the directX hack is at.

(gallery groans)

i HOPE THIS WORKS!

try once more?

for those of you with IE, it should be HUGELY different!

if this works, please punch me in the face for being an idiot.

if it doesn’t, please shoot me instead.

NOW let me know which background you like best
(if you need to change your answers, click on “fill-out poll”)

oh yeah, and i found out today that stupid lousy XP doesn’t display PNG’s alpha channel transparency right in IE. at least not with the directX hack (IE actually doesn’t display translucency in PNGs anyway, unless you use a hack). gawd only knows why.

that’s why, if you’re on XP, my site (and my bg demo) looks like complete shit in IE.

that’s also why you should switch to Netscape.

does anybody know how i can modify my PHP sniffer to root out XP platforms?

guess what? i might start listening to commercial radio again! Dayton now FINALLY has a classic rock station that isn’t afraid to play The Beatles!!! WTUE long ago forsake the stuff of yesteryear to play more Ozzy and newer crap. you still hear Skynyrd from time to time, but they NEVER play anything from the 60s anymore, and NEVER anything more obscure than Alan Parson’s Project’s I Robot stuff. rejoice!!!! hell, i might even get to hear some early Rolling Stones or pre-Buckingham-Nicks-era Fleetwood Mac! maybe even some Ramones!

now, if only i could pick up 97X, which stops just short of Medway.

thinking of making a big change. we all know how this goes. we’ve all been there.

this is exactly why i still, and always will, love Alanis Morrissette. from her latest journal entry (not yet published):

ah 2003.
this one feels raw and exciting and terrifying and promising all at once.
i experienced the best new year’s eve i’ve ever had (read:no expectations,
sweat pants, friends, sitting on the ground).
been waking up in the middle of night with a drive to write which means if i
don’t start soon i will explode (read:the more i’ve been holding in the more
i’ve been feeling depressed, which i at first thought was post-holiday
anti-climatic stuff–which i’ve experienced after every tour, every break-up,
and every christmas etc–post trauma stress disorder haha)–but i now realize
that i feel depressed because i have so much i want to say and get out…that
i’ve been holding all this in and that it’s making me sick…
so for the love of god write and get it out and save some doctor’s bills…
the usual fear of success fear of banality fear of having too much to say to
even know where to begin…
sometimes there are so many options that it’s so overwhelming that i stop
paralyzed in my tracks!!
none of these fears mean much right now because i am pregnant with thoughts
and revelations and empathy and a passion to get it all down…(what form,
who knows who cares, music, photos, words on paper…anything is good).

connect soon,
love you,
alanis

is this some kind of fucked up joke? please, somebody tell me it’s only a joke, being played by culture jammers or other like-minded “dangerous subversives”.

this shit has gone too far. i am THIS_ close to saying fuck the twin towers.

(p.s., at least somebody has the brains to parody them)

new backgrounds

if only i could figure out a stupidly simple thing like how to set a PHP $variable via the GET method, i’d have one hella cool demo for my new backgrounds to show ya.