Author: jae

i’m [email protected], if yer on friendster.

so yesterday i opened up the new US News & World Report, and i see a headline that read:

“How Can We Fight Anti-Americanism?”

…or something to that effect.

i don’t think i even need to comment on that.

so why is it that we hate the French so much? hmm??

let me count the ways:

1) their women aren’t forced by society to shave parts of their bodies that naturally have hair
2) they seem to be in possession of knowledge that Americans are FAT, STUPID, APATHETIC, BLOODTHIRSTY, CULTURELESS, and DRIVEN SOLELY BY GREED
3) they are encouraged to drink wine
4) their society is much more tolerant
5) they have better dreamers and creators
6) they’re smarter and fitter than us
7) they had a more exciting Revolution
8) they get to keep Jim Morrison’s grave, while all we got was his lousy body, and a big green statue of a non-celebrity
9) their Eiffel tower is bigger than either of ours
10) they got Joan d’Arc… we got Miss Cleo

sooo… let’s add that up… looks like there ARE no good reasons after all.

anyone know anything about transmissions? my car (’75 Dart SE, V8) is making a low, muffled pop (more like a boomp) sound that you can feel whenever i step on the gas. when i accelerate, it makes that noise and kind of lurches slightly, like it’s slipping or something. it’ll do that a few times sometimes.

anyway, i need to fix it. like NOW. (so i can get a job as a cabana boy.)

i just fired off the following. if you feel up to it, do the same. it’s totally not even my account, too (but i do know the cat whose site it is, and everything i said in this email is true).

 hi-hats: ||: it's colder in here than it is out there :||
 toms: ||: why don't i go back in to the house? :||
 snare: ||: shit! shit! shit! shit! :||
 bass: ||: damn, i'm a dummy. :||
 

(the hackish story of a long, twisted affair with mediocrity)
by jeremy, age 31½

once upon a time i used to write a lot of fiction.

it bothers me that i haven’t written a play or a script of some sort in close to 15 years now. especially because all i have to show for my work are really bad Douglas Adams rip-offs. which is kind of funny, considering that i’d never read Vonnegut or Brautigan, who would have been my real heroes in literature at that time, until i was about 24 or so.

my work then was meaningless. trite, at best.

i haven’t even written a short story in almost as long. barring my unfinished, ill-fated, and terribly boring attempt in November.

and i’ve got all these ideas… i’ve literally had dialogues running in my head for years and years now. maybe that’s why i so often talk to myself when nobody’s around. and i’ve been wanting to jot it all down. i’ve been wanting to write something more serious and meaningful.

everyone who knows me and has read my writing (even memos at my old job) is always telling me what a good writer i am, how eloquent i can be and all that. and i used to be famously (or infamously) succinct. that might even be somewhat believeable, since (i think) i do pretty decent writing here on LJ.

i wrote the eulogy for my grandmother’s funeral, and afterwards, everyone was coming up to me and telling me what a lovely job i did. and all i could think of was, ‘thanks. but you’re a git. i don’t share the spotlight, i GIVE it away, and on this day more than any other.’

i suppose they’re about half right. i think if i really put my mind to it, i could pull off something really interesting.

i used to write scores of radio-plays. i wrote scripts in the same way that a millionaire buys tiny little sporty red two-seaters for their never-ending string of trophy wives: i never even thought about it, it just happened; it was like trying to walk and listen to music at the same time… and then suddenly i’d turn around and where before there had been 2 empty months, there would be a shiny new stack of black, wet paper.

one time, i actually produced a full-on play at my church. people walked out of there that easter morning stunned and confused, wandering out into the daylight as if it were the first day ever. they’d never seen a play put on by 16 year-olds that was actually halfway meaningful, soulful.

i was so full of shit then. i’m smarter than that now.

and here i sit, thinking about how nice it would be to get to work on a serious piece of purposeful fiction.

but maybe, just maybe… maybe i should just go back to my roots and write a GOOD Brautigan-esque story. something incredibly bizarre, but with an awful lot of meaning. something both tender on the heart and spikey on the brain. and funny. terribly so, at least in the gallows sense.

it’s just that now, after having found and read really fulfilling writers like Vonnegut and Brautigan, it would just seem a little clonish. maybe i could say that i was there first in my head. i got three-quarters of the way up the same mountain they scaled, but at least it was without their help. that last 1000 feet, though… that’s the killer. it’s all marked already.

what to do, what to do…? maybe i’ll just put it off for another twelve years or so. somehow i think it would be beautiful to die with all my stories still in my head. tragedy is strangely fulfilling that way. think of all the people you know who’ve died, and how much better it was that they left so much undone. if they’d done it all, who’d honestly care that they kicked the bucket? but when they leave behind a mess of unfinished business, it gives us all something truly wonderful to lament.

and i’m all about that whole lamenting business.

maybe i need a muse, so i can get it done… but then people can be that much more disinterested and apathetic about me when i do finally take the long dirt nap. i don’t care for happy endings, but i guess it would be nice if, just for once, people in the real world could live happily ever after.

~THE END~

happy birthday, Douglas Adams.

so long, and thanks for all the fish.

yours,
~jeremy

what an interesting search. (result #3)

Japanese A-bomb massacre
depleted Uranium-contaminated victims (mainly children)
The Korisa massacre
NATO aircraft bombed town of Prizren
NATO aircraft bombed town of Nis
NATO bombed a bus
NATO attacked the Serb television studio
NATO attacked a civilian Albanian convoy
Missiles against a passenger train
NATO attacked Chinese Embassy
NATO Attacks on Orthodox Easter
Tornik: Pictures of Horror
Death over Aleksinac
Belgrade in flames
Surdulica: NATO killed over 20 civilians

look at these pictures. LOOK AT THEM, DAMN YOU! i don’t care if it makes you sick. i don’t care that it will give you nightmares for years and scar your life. turn your pretty head away from this, and you will be turning your head away from humanity forever. anybody who is not willing to expose themselves to these terrible, painful things, to confront these heinous truths is destined never to understand the weight of them at all. at all.

don’t just look at the itty bitty not-quite-so-bad thumbnail versions. i want you to zoom in real nice and close. i want you to see this. if i could, i would push your face into the screen, just so you could see it up close, so you could KNOW. i want you to see what your brothers have done to each other.

could YOU be as brave as some of these children are??

and when you’re done looking at these horrible, horrible scenes of hell, look at them again. put your face up to the screen and examine the deformities, the scar tissue, the missing or blown-off parts.

do you want this to happen again? well, do you??

when you start crying, which you will if you have a single fucking molecule of humanity in your body, i want you to make a promise. to yourself, and to the whole wide world:

i want you to promise that as long as you live, this must never, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, happen again, and that you will do whatever it takes, whatever is in your power -and even beyond that- to prevent such things.

this is amazing. niwi rocks. go and adore her and her works.

these are the most vile and wicked infidel scum whose blackened, partial remains we are all so keen on seeing covering the whole ground all over Iraq?

it all just strikes me as a little too jocks vs. nerds for my taste.

i say, when the war begins, fire one shot only, and wait for the whole Iraqi army to come running into our arms like a frightened, long-lost, wounded puppy.

i am actually kind of wishing that the U.N. would vote to support the war… only because when we start it without them, that will be the exact moment that America becomes the new Nazi Germany, and the rest of the world will rush down and crush us like ants.

“TALKIN’ Al KIDA BLUES”
Dan Bern

It was a beautiful day in New York town
Folks jogging, biking, walking ’round
When a couple of airplanes came around
Hit the big towers, knocked ’em down
Worst disaster on US soil ever!….’course, there’s the Indians….a few million
Slaves….Enron…. Anyway, it was worse than Pearl Harbor!

Well India and Pakistan
Are thinking of trading nuclear bombs
Israel and the PLO —
Suicide’s the way to go
Meanwhile the lessons of 9-1-1 are clear…. Let’s blow up the Middle East….Smoking marijuana aids terrorists….Cuba’s our enemy unless we need a prison camp….John Walker Lindh could be your kid unless we get an economic stimulus package…. And let’s get that guy in Cleveland – AL KIDA!

Iraq’s Deadly New WMDs

by transmothra, Discordian Press journalist

WASHINGTON – U.S. officials this week enjoyed renewed support for their plans for devastating infidel Muslim nations in the Middle East when they released recently declassified information regarding “a potentially deadly threat to all God-fearing Christian Americans… or the two or three who aren’t being held as potential terrorists, anyway,” according to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

The weapon, which was found in an allegedly “abandoned” warehouse near the outskirts of Kirkuk and identified by independant U.S. investigators, is “a complex cold-storage device,” says Condoleeza Rice, National Security Advisor for the great nation of the United States, which is led by the all-powerful and blessed lamb-of-Jesus George W. Bush, and has never held powerful weapons of its own, nor used them on human beings, being a kindly and most benevolent nation.

Shaped like a small translucent plastic box, with a lid that makes a startling and eerie sucking noise when opened, the device is said to be perfectly capable of concealing a powdered form of the deadly nerve agent VX, particularly when it is physically placed inside the box. “It probably also holds sarin, ricin, and plutonium,” added Rice.

“We are looking into who may have supplied this insidious weapon to Saddam Hussein,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell, who has recently begun to either go mad with power, or has become extraordinarily rich from payments made by the President (may God bless his royal arse for all time, also including his children and his children’s children, for seven generations and three) to shut up and be a good little puppet. “It appears to have some Arab origin, since the name on the bottom of The Device looks strange and is extremely difficult to pronounce.” Added Whitehouse spokesman Ari Fleischer, apparently trying to be helpful, “Tupp… Tooper… Topperwarrrr… no, I just can’t do it. Those god damned dirty, ignorant Arabs need to learn English.”

In a surprise revelation toward the end of the press briefing, it was revealed that the nefarious mongrel Iraqis, who are clearly enemies of the most merciful and gracious God (who is not called Allah), have also been harboring a wide range of other objects which may in fact be even deadlier than the bizarre Weapon of Mass Destruction Storage Device found at Kirkuk.

“We have information that the Iraqis, who are born evil and have been decreed by God to suffer for all eternity in the lowest pits of Hell, are harboring other Weapons of Mass Destruction,” declared Secretary Rumsfeld, moments before unveiling shocking new labelled, black-and-white blurry photos of a cigar box, a portable Igloo cooler, a rusted coffee can, and an old shoe. The devices are temporarily being called “Evilness Delivery Units Capable of Assaulting Totally Innocent Old Nuns.”

“EDUCATION is evil and terror manifestificated, and it must be wiped from the face of the Earth forever. And let me just add here that if we find that any nation is harborizing these deadly mass-destructionary, er… devices, we will come and hunt them down like the ensickened dogs that they are,” said Global Holy Emperor Bush II, going all Texan on us while popping his sacred head out momentarily.

mars s.t.s. is now 98.7% super-furry.

new skin: asteroid (surface). very dark, with red HUD and semi-industrial ridged metal border.

all that’s left now is the download counter and some text!

EVERYONE MUST hear this song.

oh yeah, one more thing before i go to bed:

i just wanted to let you all know that some god damn idiot good ol’ bowey has released a PRO-war song. expect it to be a major hit among the Joe Sixpack set.

fucking morons.

mars s.t.s. is online and 95% super furry.

everything appears to be working beautifully, too.

next item for work: the fifth and final default skinset. i don’t know what it’s gonna look like, but it’s going to have to be radder than the rest.

and redder than the rest.

after that, i must build a download manager that counts downloads.

after that, a license/user agreement.

after that (oy vey!) instructions.

then set up a help forum at terrible society.

and then it’ll be totally done.

so i’ll be devoting the rest of the night to getting as much of this done as possible. and masturbating.

menu is now fixed in place on Netscape/Mozilla browsers. very cool. glad i learned that.

fuck you, Microsoft. you suck.

how weird! i’m listening to the Beale Street Caravan on NPR (via WYSO in Yellow Springs), and they’re playing a whole set by E.G. Kight, recorded at Jacksonville Beach, FL’s “Springing the Blues” Festival. i used to go to that every year. (i used to live in Jax Beach, Neptune Beach, and Atlantic Beach, all right there in the same area.) pretty cool.