Iraq’s Deadly New WMDs
by transmothra, Discordian Press journalist
WASHINGTON – U.S. officials this week enjoyed renewed support for their plans for devastating infidel Muslim nations in the Middle East when they released recently declassified information regarding “a potentially deadly threat to all God-fearing Christian Americans… or the two or three who aren’t being held as potential terrorists, anyway,” according to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
The weapon, which was found in an allegedly “abandoned” warehouse near the outskirts of Kirkuk and identified by independant U.S. investigators, is “a complex cold-storage device,” says Condoleeza Rice, National Security Advisor for the great nation of the United States, which is led by the all-powerful and blessed lamb-of-Jesus George W. Bush, and has never held powerful weapons of its own, nor used them on human beings, being a kindly and most benevolent nation.
Shaped like a small translucent plastic box, with a lid that makes a startling and eerie sucking noise when opened, the device is said to be perfectly capable of concealing a powdered form of the deadly nerve agent VX, particularly when it is physically placed inside the box. “It probably also holds sarin, ricin, and plutonium,” added Rice.
“We are looking into who may have supplied this insidious weapon to Saddam Hussein,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell, who has recently begun to either go mad with power, or has become extraordinarily rich from payments made by the President (may God bless his royal arse for all time, also including his children and his children’s children, for seven generations and three) to shut up and be a good little puppet. “It appears to have some Arab origin, since the name on the bottom of The Device looks strange and is extremely difficult to pronounce.” Added Whitehouse spokesman Ari Fleischer, apparently trying to be helpful, “Tupp… Tooper… Topperwarrrr… no, I just can’t do it. Those god damned dirty, ignorant Arabs need to learn English.”
In a surprise revelation toward the end of the press briefing, it was revealed that the nefarious mongrel Iraqis, who are clearly enemies of the most merciful and gracious God (who is not called Allah), have also been harboring a wide range of other objects which may in fact be even deadlier than the bizarre Weapon of Mass Destruction Storage Device found at Kirkuk.
“We have information that the Iraqis, who are born evil and have been decreed by God to suffer for all eternity in the lowest pits of Hell, are harboring other Weapons of Mass Destruction,” declared Secretary Rumsfeld, moments before unveiling shocking new labelled, black-and-white blurry photos of a cigar box, a portable Igloo cooler, a rusted coffee can, and an old shoe. The devices are temporarily being called “Evilness Delivery Units Capable of Assaulting Totally Innocent Old Nuns.”
“EDUCATION is evil and terror manifestificated, and it must be wiped from the face of the Earth forever. And let me just add here that if we find that any nation is harborizing these deadly mass-destructionary, er… devices, we will come and hunt them down like the ensickened dogs that they are,” said Global Holy Emperor Bush II, going all Texan on us while popping his sacred head out momentarily.
