Author: jae

E³ report up at The Vat Online.

as some of you know, i was raised by my grandmother. my mom’s a junkie. i’ve met her a few times, starting (besides birth, that is) at the age of 18, culminating in her move to Jacksonville, Florida, where i had moved to at the age of 22. we hung out a few times, but one of the last times i ever saw her was when she conned me into buying crack cocaine for her. i won’t go into it here, but enough will be said when i say that the experience made me pretty bitter about her.

i haven’t seen nor heard from her in about ten years now. that’s just the way i like it. for all i know, she’s still in Jax, or maybe buried somewhere.

which brings me back to my grandmother. she was, and will ever be, the only woman i will think of as a mother figure. when you ask me about my mother, i’m likely to forgo bitching about my junkie biological one, and instead talk to you about my jolly surrogate one.

here’s a little anecdote that should illustrate what a mother is:

i came home to New Carlisle, Ohio in 2000 for my ten-year class reunion. she had been sick for a few years by then, and had already staved off a few cancers… but cancer again was starting to take her, this for one last time. she had stayed in her bed, in her room, for a few years, rarely ever coming out.

i had a hardcore reaction of some kind to the environment… i’d guess that it was a massive sinus infection. for a day or two i lay, barely able to think or move, on the re-upholstered version of the sofa we used to lie on together when i was a child, on lazy summer days.

the image of that time, burned in my brain forever, is of my grandmother coming out of the hallway, hobbling pitifully on her cane, coming out to lovingly play nurse for me (she had once been enrolled in nurse’s school in her youth).

barely able to walk by herself, she was caring for her sick grandchild again. she looked alive, concerned, tasked… purposeful.

love is a wonderful, amazing thing.

so are mothers.

ENDLESS fun.

Subservient Chicken.

and yes, i think that really IS a guy standing around, LIVE, waiting for commands. the things i got that freak bastard to do just defy even the cleverest of AI programming.

(warning: it’s actually an ad for Burger King)

horrible, horrible news.

even more tragic news.

my mailman is so good to me…

today:

1 new computer (bought mouse; had dark, powerless monitor [needing urgent replacement]; still need fatter C: drive and modem)

2 new Cocker Spaniels CDs (Withstand the Whatnot plus special numbered, limited-edition live radio show disc) …and holy moley is it ever GOOOOOOOOD!! i urge everyone reading this to AT THE VERY LEAST go and check out what twelve dumb little dead guys (and one live guy) can do for your car speakers….

last night we were going to have weird sex & try out our new toy. so i take a quick shower and come out and she’s asleep. or so i thought. she says later that she was awake, and even described what i was wearing & doing. so… she was pretending to be asleep? …why? it left me with a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. last night i wound up pretty much avoiding her, because all i wanted was to huddle in a corner by myself and weep and masturbate. and fall asleep alone in my misery.

today, i get home from work and try to be cheerful. not five sentences into what was hopefully going to be a pleasant conversation, she blurts out (as if expecting me to be happy) that she wants to be a swinger. (why does she do that? she KNOWS how i feel!)

i left to go gas up the car. i returned – 6 hours later – to find that she’d been drinking and making more Livejournal posts that i can’t read.

what am i to think or do?

i do NOT want this.

just two days ago, we were in love. deeply.

or at least i was.

so my old buddy Travis is involved with this video game & action figure magazine upstart down in Florida. and he’s gonna give me a computer just to make their site work. suh-weet! and this could mean some pretty good exposure, since they’re going to E3 and handing out flyers and the whole nine yards (yeah, they’re really serious about it).

but, uh… does anyone have an extra monitor laying around that they don’t use or want anymore? ‘coz that’s pretty much all i’ll really need.

i don’t see how the blind do it. (no rude pun intended, honestly.)

i start training at my new job on monday. same as the old job, just a LOT less fun & more benefits. and for basically the same pay and even worse hours.

i’m calling out this weekend. no way am i going to work Friday through Friday. nuh-uh! fuck that.

my friend Holly got fired yesterday with no reason given. that just sucks moose. i physically dread going to work there.

oh, but hey – i did get offered the permanent position! at a whopping SIXTY FUCKING CENTS over what i make now! before taxes, i’ll be raking in exactly twenty-one thousand sweet lil greenies! too bad every fucking red cent is going toward bills. the only thing i can ever afford is a DVD here and there. it’s going to take me at least a year to save up enough for a used computer at this rate. literally.

fuck you, god. not that you’re listening, or even exist.

i know a LOT of people have it a lot rougher than me, but for chrissakes, i feel like Harvey Pekar or something here. barely making the rent; barely holding on to my dreams… is it all going to be worth it one of these days? like when i finally get a little bit of SLACK my way, but i’m either too old or too cancer-ridden to even enjoy it?

i swear to god, all i want is a little bit of something. just a little bit of something good. just a piece of shit old laptop i can type away on.

agh, fuck. now i’m getting bitter.

i got to get up early tomorrow to try and stave off the wolves… they only just offered me the gig, and i can’t talk to HR until monday to try to weasel out a living wage, but they want me to commit to ten bucks tomorrow morning, so i’ve got to do a little finagling in the early morning.

fuck work. fuck jobs. and fuck that weird creepy guy outside staring into peoples’ windows.

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RBLD&g=1&o=3&h=177

(anon.): “He can’t really be that slow, can he?”

Clarke: “He did lose a Senate re-election to a dead man.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4568982/

not over yet for Lisa & jeremy… we’ve been communicating and making some progress. we may never truly reach a concensus, but i think we’re both feeling a lot better now that some things are out in the open.

interviewed today for a full-time position within the company i’m currently temping for.

busy making plans.

piss poor. somebody buy me one of these (and another for yourself) …please?

American Splendor, the tragicomic story of reality-comics writer Harvey Pekar, is a great film. great, but creepy. not just creepy. downright uncanny.

watch the movie and you’ll see Lisa and i. period. it’s just surreal.

i’m not so much of a dumpy-assed sad-sack as he is, though. but they nailed Lisa.

speaking of which, the guy who played R. Crumb nailed him too. in every which way. wonder what the real-life R. Crumb thought of it?

decided to finally, really, actually write a book. my plan this time around is to write what i know best. it’ll be first person. a lot of the insides will be side stories. just short stories. will be bizarre; probably along the lines of a Richard Brautigan or Kurt Vonnegut Jr. novel. i think i have a very basic, linear plot in mind, and in between Point A and Point B will be Points G-K, Q, R-U, and W. so essentially, it will be a sort of hallucinogenic proto-sci-fi faux memoir. i’ll probably rewrite a few of my other shorts and unrealized concepts to fit in with the overall theme/story arc. this time i can’t fail or leave it unfinished, because it will be the truest thing i can write, and it will be all me, and i won’t have to overthink it or wonder where i’m going and how to get there, etc., because it’s the stuff that’s been in my head already for all these years.

it’s going to be the ultimate novel for slightly-disaffected, fully alienated gen-X people with too much room in their heads for weird-ass tall tales.

i can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure it out. it’s so natural. especially for me. this is the only way i could ever write anything longer than a short story or play.

i’m not going to fool myself and just do one draft, either. this project will necessitate doing at least a few, as i foresee it.

all i need is time, preferably to myself.

p.s.: k, go buy this now pls thx

help and/or tips wanted for the following areas:

• getting published (1st time)
• starting a home-based business
• going [“back”] to college at the elderly age of 32
• getting a leg up in this horrible, rotten world
• et cetera….

yes, it’s that time again. i’m sick of my job and my assignment’s almost up, so it’s now or never for me to break out of the rat race.

1) new Word Riot, dig?

2) “Activist judges”? together, friends, you and I, George W. Bush, can create a world where the federal judicial system is no longer necessary (or at least no longer around). check out what our mighty Apeshit Ape prez has to say about marriage.

3) also from the “no-benefits-for-you” files: our very own Scopeless Monkey, Governor Bob Taft of the formerly great state of Ohio says the nay-no to the rights of thousands of gay people. thank you, Governor Taft, for helping to create a better world; one where only straight people are allowed to get together and make babies (not to mention cop health benefits off each other’s sin-free employers) legally.

(cross-posted to moffrablog)

so next sunday night i’m going to a poetry reading. i might read something of mine. any suggestions for pieces from my site or from my LJ? naturally, the stuff i like is always the worst possible crap, and the stuff i’d never in a million years think anyone would ever like is always the most “popular” stuff.

i can’t get my girlfriend’s car battery out because the jackass who designed the engine bay left no room for a wrench to get in and the jackass who tightened the battery clamp tightened it too tight for a spinner handle to twist loose and the jackasses who made my ratchet set made the sockets too small so that they break off the tips too easily.

i called off work today to do that, and to get a little much-needed rest (i was EXHAUSTED this morning!). i left a message at the temp agency, but couldn’t get through to the management phone or whatever the hell the other number is that i’m supposed to call on weekends. which means they’ll probably consider me a no-call/no-show, and i’ll get fired. we’ll see what happens tomorrow.

i need to go get an extender bar and an adapter or two so i can take that damn battery out in the darkness and then get up early enough to take the battery in to Advance Auto Parts and have them test it. and after all this, i bet it’ll be the damn alternator.

gave:

Lisa: 3 books (The Hobbit Companion, plus an autobiography of Meat Loaf and a book about Woodstock)
Grandfather: digital answering machine, 2 DVDs (best of Friends- season 2, Charlie Chaplin cheapo double-disc w/ like 5 films)
Uncle Kent: 2 books (Essential Rumi, Jazz Anecdotes)
Dad & Gerry: swank-looking bubbly GPX CD/cassette boombox
Tony & Tasha: Tim Burton book
Abby (Tony’s daughter): Neil Gaiman’s The Wolves in the Walls

recieved:

Grandfather: $100 gift card for Express/Structure
Uncle Kent: Eddie Bauer stuff (windproof lighter w/ compass, window de-icer, duffle bag w/ wheels), 2 books (The Matrix and Philosophy, The Onion AV Club’s The Tenacity of the Cockroach)
Dad & Gerry: handmade duct tape wallet, Q-sized air mattress #2, set of 4 holstein-colored mugs and guitar-shaped tin of caramels w/ cocoa mix, desk calendar w/ Eastern philosophy writ within, the traditional Wonder Ball candy
Tony & Tasha: TBD…
Grace: electric CD repair kit

and Lisa got TBD gifts from Kent, Dad & Gerry, Grandfather, and Grace!! (can’t wait to see what she got!)

hope i’m not forgetting anything (or anyone)!

i regret that i couldn’t get everyone i know & love at least something, and some people many things… i vastly prefer that great feeling of giving much more than i recieve (a.k.a. Instant Karma!), but that’s life i guess.

about 20 fax calls today. every four minutes for an hour in the morning, then once an hour after that. ate the whole entire answering machine’s memory completely up. niiiiice.

L, if you don’t change that fooken phone number soon, i’m not paying the bill. there’s no reason i should have to pay to be annoyed like that. zero reason whatsoever. i mean it. this. must. stop.

(i miss you, baby!)

need new car battery for her, or possibly an alternator. like SOON. we aren’t going to have quite enough $$$ to pay the bills, since they all fall in a 3-day period at the beginning of the month.

Uncle Kent leaves tomorrow morning. too bad he and L didn’t get to meet. he’s tremendously entertaining, and a bit of a new ager (except with NYC grit in place of wishy-washy shmubbiness – a real treat to hang around).

work sucked ass today, and will continue to do so until all the snotty little shitheads of the world forget about the lousy christmasses they had this year spending too much money on others and not getting what they wanted, and stop taking it out on the servant class (like me). stupid fucks. if you don’t want to pay a fucking late fee, don’t pay your fucking bills two days late. and let’s not forget: i have your addresses, you sad, pathetic wastes of nearly-good spermatozoon.

will list presents received/given presently….

every year while my grandmother was alive and while i lived in her house, it would never, ever snow on christmas. she was always disappointed in this way. now, every year since she’s died, it’s snowed on christmas. i’m not saying there’s any connection whatsoever. i’m just saying is all. just an observation.

i think they pegged the wrong biblical Mary with the whispered asides implying that perhaps she was a bit of a tramp, after a fashion. yes, i deny the divinity of jesus. sue me. and he was most likely born in August.

i’m putting off plugging in the various components of my home studio. every day i get phat beats in my head, and every day i put off actually recording them.