last night we were going to have weird sex & try out our new toy. so i take a quick shower and come out and she’s asleep. or so i thought. she says later that she was awake, and even described what i was wearing & doing. so… she was pretending to be asleep? …why? it left me with a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. last night i wound up pretty much avoiding her, because all i wanted was to huddle in a corner by myself and weep and masturbate. and fall asleep alone in my misery.
today, i get home from work and try to be cheerful. not five sentences into what was hopefully going to be a pleasant conversation, she blurts out (as if expecting me to be happy) that she wants to be a swinger. (why does she do that? she KNOWS how i feel!)
i left to go gas up the car. i returned – 6 hours later – to find that she’d been drinking and making more Livejournal posts that i can’t read.
what am i to think or do?
i do NOT want this.
just two days ago, we were in love. deeply.
or at least i was.
