saw Hitchhiker’s friday. mostly harmless great, except for most of the ending bit.
had a blowout with L over the weekend.
again.
so now she’s moving out. i’m glad. we’re just not good for each other anymore. i’m not faultless, not by a longshot. but i certainly didn’t deserve some of what she was brewin up. and can you believe that after a year and a half together, she still vehemently insists that she does not love me?
and, in the end, i just don’t trust her like i thought i did. i mean, ultimately, i DO trust her, but she wasn’t as open with me about some things (a few recent locked journal posts have me raising an eyebrow, plus mythical “non-public” photos from RHPS a couple weeks ago, when she didn’t come home until a full day later) as i could have hoped. i’m all for privacy; i need more myself. but i’m as open as a book about as much as i can possibly be. personal space is a great thing, but i can’t help wanting to know what’s going on. i’m certain that it’s nothing but hurtful words and some *vaguely* compromising pics. but i value openness just as much as privacy. it’s not hard to fit these things together.
so there’s that. i’m ok. bah, i’m being stoic. it’s working pretty good.
my car’s in the garage. i’ll get it back soon. SOOOOOON. drool.
and my finger’s gonna be fixed in a coupla weeks. i’m feeling renewed.
3 replies on “this post not locked”
good for your finger, and for renewal. i’m having a personal renaissance period myself here and feeling rather beatific. but i really don’t get the “not loving you” thing at all. i’m glad though, if you’re at peace with the whole situation, or at least getting there.
hey, good for you, too! i hope you’re getting a lot of creative energy out and are buzzing with all the joy of this whole mystical experience of wonderful Consciousness! does it ever feel like every time you’re bouncing back, you’re unfolding yourself (somehow, from an already- not-exactly-folded state) into an ever-larger and more-present beingness? just curious. that’s how it sometimes feels to me. it’s Phoenix-like i think, only it doesn’t feel so much like the destructive bit is there; just the rebirth-ish bits. i dunno… i’m just an old acidhead. i don’t even think about these things really, except for when i’m thinking about them. ~and~ well, she’s only 23 and is going through that whole “I don’t believe in love” phase. i’ve run across quite a few women who have had that whole thing going on with them until sometime around age 26 or so. i can sort of understand it, since man (MALE man, not HU man) hath created gender inequality (to say the least), and my whole half of the species is largely a bunch of dumb ass beer-drinkin’ fuh-baw-watchin’ chikkinweng-eatin’ baboons (only it’s not quite that funny sometimes, being that men can be brutal apes as well). but still. case by case, i say! at least! and i do believe that love is the cure. not to confuse any fans of those bands or anything.
compromising pictures? a bunch of harry potter geeks posing in their costumes in an apartment before going out to see a movie? hardly… and jesus jeremy, you know i don’t believe in love. after so many years of hearing me say it, about everybody, why do you still take it personally? you know what i think of you, and how much i care for you (most of the time). i tell you constantly. why is that not good enough? you however were NOT an open book. why was i the one to always always always come into the living room and try to talk and work things out? no matter whose fault the fight had been, i always had to be the one to try to make up, because we were a couple dammit and we had to work things out. i think that means far more than professing love but refusing to even sleep in the same bed as me for even half the time we lived together because you were content to not see or speak to me for days on end. i needed to be with you. i needed to talk to you and touch you and have you smile at me. and yet you could always do without me. THAT is why i don’t believe in love. i’m the most honest person you’ll ever meet, and that’s what gets me in trouble. i tell you everything i like about you, but i tell you everything i don’t like as well. i tell you what’s good about me and what’s bad. i don’t think that’s being controlling or bitchy. i think that’s being open and honest. maybe most people associate honesty with sweetness and kindness and gentleness, but the truth is not always pretty and i seem to be the only one who can accept that and get past it back to the good stuff. i wish you could too.