in one month and two days, it will be one year since my beautiful, loving grandmother took leave of her life. i cannot even begin to describe how i feel. at the top are grief and relief, followed by every possible flavour of sadness, depression, longing, and despair, and every possible combination thereof.
wednesday on PBS will be a special on caretakers, which i of course must somehow bring myself to watch, since i was supposedly a caretaker for the last two years of her sweet life. of course, it will really be a sort of trial, whereby i (the accused) must look on and see all of the many varied ways in which i had failed, and all of the things that i should have done much differently. foremost is patience. especially toward the end, i became frustrated a lot, even angry, and often enough took fairly violent turns, throwing things around and such (not actually breaking anything, but you get my point – i was horrible). of course, i was angry and frustrated more towards her cancer and not actually to her. but i think i was downright cruel, vile, wicked on occasion, and for that i will surely pay a terrible price, karmically and otherwise.
“president” Bush is coming to Cincinnati tomorrow. i will be there to protest his awful crusade. i will certainly try to drum up some support amongst my friends, but i know in my heart i will be going down there alone nevertheless.
