Tonite, at something near 1 or 1:30 am EST (i think), my beautiful, sweet Grandma passed away.

(i will write a great deal more about her in the coming days and weeks.)

She hadn’t been too well this past couple of weeks; she couldn’t vocalise or move much. She tried so sweetly to make words the last few days, but couldn’t communicate at all. So she just lay there, with her head cocked to one side, mainly sleeping, occasionally waking up. i talked to her a bit, and we met eyes, and i told her a good deal of things that needed to be said (“i love you,” “thanks you,” and “if you feel you need to slip away…,” etc.). She tenderly squeezed my hand as best she could, and had a tear in her eye. That was yesterday (Tues). Today (Wed) (well, yesterday now, as i write this), she couldn’t hardly do anything at all. She lay and struggled to breathe. Her breathing became laboured, and we called out the nurse from Hospice of Dayton, got her on oxygen, etc.. Her eyes didn’t even move much.

So tonite, after they told us it would happen extremely soon, i sat by her and held her little hand, and rubbed her hand and chest and stroked her hair, and i told her more of those things. i emphasized that if she wanted or needed to let go, that we would be sad, and that it would be okay anyway, because we didn’t want her to suffer for us (she was only hanging on for us); i told her not to be sad, or scared; i told her that i loved her so much with all my heart a million times, and i thanked her for bringing us all such joy and happiness. i told her that nobody had ever met her and had a bad day afterwards (which is true), and that we will always love and miss and think of her. i even said the dreaded ‘G’ word: goodbye. i told her that we had a wonderful 30 years together, and that i just couldn’t rightfully ask for any more. i told her that we just had one beautiful Life together, and to cross her fingers, because we may yet share another someday, somehow. i told her that all my friends just loved her so much, and i told her a great many other things. Nowhere near enough, in other words.

i repeated most of these things through the evening, unsure of whether she was conscious or not, or whether she could even hear me. i often kissed her face and hands and never stopped stroking her arms and chest and hands. i put my head down by hers on the pillow and looked into her eyes. i sobbed like a baby. i held her as best as i could.

The last time that i told her that it was okay if she couldn’t hold on anymore, i noticed her breathing had become slower right afterwards. i mentioned it. No sooner than i had mentioned it than it stopped altogether. Forever. She died holding my hand, and i know that i was the last image that she saw, if she could see. Right afterwards, i put on “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong, and sat, and looked at her, and cried and cried and cried.

My good friend Travis, who is so much my total bro, came over right afterwards. He just up and left his Mom’s house and came over. i don’t know how, but he just knew that he had to come back over. He would have left right about the time of her Exit. He flew up from Tampa because i sent him a tear-stained (albeit brief) e-mail just the other day. He is such a freakin’ great cat; if you’re reading this Trav: i love you, man. You are one hell of a great damn Friend, bro.

Of course i’m still freaking out. i can safely say that i have cried at least a pint tonight. She was the sweetest, funniest, strongest, bravest, most determined person i could ever imagine. i love her so dearly. And tonite, i miss her like crazy. i laid down on her bed after they removed her body, and i played that song over and over and grieved loudly for at least a half hour at full tilt.

i find it hard to reconcile her death with my devout agnosticism. i want to believe things. i can hope, but i may not ever Know/Gno, even in my own passing (that is, if We are as i fearfully suspect: only soulless chemicals programmed into mobile meat).

Grandma, honey, if they have the internet wherever you are and you can read this, then please don’t be sad; be happy, and know that i will always love you to pieces and miss you dearly. i will think about you every day for the rest of my life. i love you, sweetheart. Good bye…