it’s starting to really hit me. the initial shock and numbness is done with. today is somehow different. it was already really bad for me (it’s been a deepening pit of hell for 2 1/2 years now, with the absolute worst part of it starting just two weeks ago). but now it seems even harsher somehow. i feel like i’m trying desperately to escape the immense gravity of a black hole.
it’s sinking in.
hell, i’m sinking in.
someone i knew and loved, lived with and shared experiences and conversations with for years and years… dead. gone. forever.
no more talking. no more sharing. no more gestures or hugs or ironic smiles. ever.
i should point out that, as a devout agnostic who leans rather heavily towards atheism, i do not believe in an afterdeath of any kind. extraordinary claims, after all, require extraordinary evidence. so this is… difficult. to say the least.
life. gone. over. finished. done. kaput. a fire is snuffed forever.
this may be even worse than when my poor sweet grandmother died in 2001, if only because now, the other shoe has finally dropped. it’s like the floor itself has been pulled out from under me, and all that exists is empty space underneath for me to fall through. the bottom, as it were, has dropped out!
i am starting to freak out