Author: jae

the interweb

you fibrous hell-spawn!
you have created for me
an unlikely maze.

my good friend Tony (who is utterly mad and i love him, my brother) has unbelievably MASTERED the fine art of weaving together perfect haiku. technical haiku! what a soup-dragon! avast!

fuck you! i am Jack Kerouac’s enghosted tomb-likeness!

item the first:
i got bit by something and i can’t even tell where the bite is because i’m covered in blotches and spots and welts.

Clark County last year had West Nile; and tonight on the news, a story about Nuke Our Lyle spending a whopping $350 to spray every single street in the city with some kind of plant extract, ostensibly to keep the skeeters away.

item the second:
…and every time my heart does something freaky, it seems more freaky than the last time. the other day only lasted a second, but it was fairly harsh, as these things go. first, the extra beat or two, as if some idiot had suddenly cranked up not just the bpm, but the volume also on my internal metronome, just for a split second, while grinning like a stupid freak at me. then, a few seconds later, the sharp, jolting pain shoots through my left shoulder.

so yeah. i’m going to die and all that. later!

jesus fucking christ. i just signed on with a god damn temp agency. i hate temp agencies, and i especially hate working for employers who use them and around fulltimers who abuse temps.

and someone like me, with a crippling social anxiety. hi, howya doing! HELLO I AM THE NEW GUY YOU HAVE ALREADY DECIDED TO LOATHE WITH EVERY OUNCE OF YOUR GENERALLY-DISSATISFIED BEING AND I AM SO VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE AT THE TROUGH AMONG ALL THE OTHERS [who are all looking at me like i’m some kind of a diseased freak].

i hate my life and i want to die.

what good are small victories to a small victor?

if a tree falls in a forest….

what the hell, man. what the hell.

look: okay, i might wallow in self-pity once in awhile, but i honestly challenge anyone to come up with something that i can’t do*.

the bottom line is this: i am firmly above average. in fact, fuck it- i am one good-ass motherfucker. i may not be great, but i am good as hell and then some, goddammit. with a few notable exceptions but i am still good as shit! just take my word for it: i could kick your ass and the asses of three of your friends at just about anything! face it! i rule.

aw, fuckitall. nobody listens to a whiner.

* besides suck my own cock. if i could do that, i wouldn’t BE wallowing in self-pity, now, would i? smart-ass.

i am pretty much right on track with my quit-smoking plan. it’s definitely going to take a few weeks, though.

tweaking the new transmothra.com prototype, and it’s looking good so far (and seems to function fine, more or less). there may be a problem with the style switcher, but i’ll tackle that later. right now i’m just getting a very basic layout and menu system going. i ganked the LJ menu code and tweaked it all up real nice. it’s looking goo-oo-ood.

still in heat and absolutely bored to tears. i gotta get out of this place.

i am going out of my mind here.

out. of. my. MIND.

the wrong finger is killing me and i am just about to go CRAZY with boredom. i don’t know what’s come over me, but i’ve never been this bored in my entire life. i am just about to explode; i need to move Move MOVE!

my hand hurts like hell and i’m bored and i just bought a bunch of packs of gum and i’m quitting smoking no matter what and i have a plan for it and everything and i can’t get my VS to backup to CD-R and i need to do something tonight tonight tonight tonight tonight.

|     |    |   |  | || BOOM! || |  |   |    |     |

the next girl (boy?) i am with should rightfully beware.

i think i’m going to exercise today. i’ve been slacking for too long. i’m built like a tank – but you’d be surprised. i can be knocked down with a feather.

i saved a lock of my hair when i took out the trash last week. i don’t know why.

i need a mic preamp soooooo badly. preferably something cheap but good, like a VTB-1. and a condensor mic. badly. you don’t even know how badly.

i think i may have forgotten to mention that when my friend was here last week, i taught her how to play the Beatles’ “Blackbird” and she picked it right the hell up, just like that. just like that. which is pretty amazing, considering how fucked up those chords are. it took me two serious series of attempts, years apart, to get myself to remember them. and she just played it, the whole way through, after seeing me do it a few times. just. like. that. astounding! it reminds me of the time i gave a few lessons to this crazy kid Sean Graham. he played like utter hell… and then one day, like a year or so later, he came over and ran circles around me. circles! some people just have it in them. hell, i wish i did!

i need to go dancing. i look like a fool, but i have so much fun. goth/industrial night is tomorrow at 1470. maybe i can talk Tony & Tasha into going. i needs to get down. deep down and dirty.

i really really need to work on my transmothra.com redesign. i really need money so i can change the domain/name too. i think the fact that i’ve gotten only 1 or 2 callbacks on all the resumes i’ve sent out over the past year can be largely attributed to the fact that my websites all look fairly horrible, and aren’t quite standards-compliant. i have excellent plans, though. if only more Mac people would use Safari instead of Infernal Exploiter i think i’d be a lot safer.

suffering can be ecstatic sometimes. no wonder we allow it, even revel in it.

i am an agnostic mystic warrior.

i think i could use a vision quest.

i used to be Dionysus and now i am a Minotaur. i wonder what went wrong? maybe in transition i became Pan, and the cloven hooves became as like shackles around mine feet.

i’m not sad today, just disused.

i want to be meaningfully naked more often.

> GOTO 10
> RUN

the greatest poet
who ever lived
is the Reader.

we are made of
the marrow of stars,
you and i

i am the Only One who
makes fire out of rainbows,
and burns whole villages
to the ground

i am the Only One
who lives this way
i have all the stars you do
but my eyes get burnt out

i am the Only One
who sows shit in seeds
and complains when
everything comes up roses

i am the Only One
who cannot grasp
the Futility of Life
though its song i sing daily

i am the Only One
who walks this same road
day after day after day
and still gets lost

i am one of a million
who gripes ever louder
that i am the only one
who is not you.

why do i feel so alone? i feel so alone! no one can touch me. maybe they can, but they don’t. do i burn? am i that caustic? stop, i know the answer to that one. i was the first to decree it, in 740 B.C.E. (do you remember?). then why do i burn so? i burn you because i do not wish for you to be burnt. then i am like fire, and no one can know my name forever!

ache

i love you

drip

dr

   i

  p

kill me if you love me; see, you don’t!

no
one
thing

i am so unfulfilled that it is almost ecstatic.

you see this person every day. maybe you’re wearing a name tag, and they aren’t. for whatever reason: you know them, and they know you. only they know your name, and you have no idea what to call them. and it’s too late to simply ask them what their name is, because you’d be far too embarrassed for that.

i have never known what my animal spirit guide is. it could be a fucking chupacabra for all i know.

that’s why it’s been so long since i’ve consulted it.

& i need to consult something about some things.

pro:
the dog lady is kinda hot, in a metal-chick kinda way.

con:
Matty is such a disaster around people and other dogs.

http://www.personalpromisebible.com/?text=Optimus+Prime

thanks to Neil Gaiman, who found it via someone else.