Author: jae

today (13.02.02) my friend, and my pal Tony’s g/f, Tasha went in to the hospital, to have a coil inserted in a blood vessel in her brain (she had an aneurism a few weeks ago). something went wrong. Tony called me tonight around 11ish, obviously freaked out. he said that they got the coil almost in, but the vessel ruptured. the doctors were able to stop the bleeding. no she will have to undergo REAL brain surgery tomorrow at 11am so they can clamp it off and fix her up. i asked him to call me and i’m going to try to go down to see them. i sure hope things will be all right. she’s in ICU right now, “hooked up” in Tony’s words. it’s all very frightening, but i’m sure that things will work out. they have to.

i am made of bone and meat and sinew.

have damn near replicated John Bonham’s “When the Levee Breaks” drum riff in MTVMG, so i’m working on a new song. finally.

went to Tony’s to drink and carry on last night. he’s the only person on earth (well, nearby anyway) i cannot have a crappy time with, and there is never a time when i don’t feel like hanging out with that crazy sumbitch. he’s like a science experiment to me. i always want to see what he’s going to say or do next. thank “Bob” for people like him.

reorganised my CDs and got some cheap little computer speakers for the PSX.

have barely been in contact with Cat lately. i think we’ve grown stale. it’s sad, but wtf. of course i love her and would do anything for her, but we’ve both grown up and gotten just dull enough not to work so well together anymore. or maybe it’s just me. i just know that i never have anything to say anymore, and i’m like that with several people. with others, like Trav & Tony, i never shut up.

oh, and my heart’s still feeling crazy. the other night i was having stabbing, jolting pains every few seconds to several minutes. they oddly coincided instantaneously with a dull pain on the side of my left hand.

sleeping insanely late and blowing off all responsibilities, because i’m too fucking burnt out, goddamnit.

i’m speechlessly sad, bitter, and frustrated.

and my heart is doing weird things. like going “burbleSNAP” instead of “baDUMP baDUMP”.

i’m going to open up a bottle of drunkass.

it seems lately i’m not having a good time. i’ve been having the dreams and i’m getting stir-crazy. i don’t talk to anyone, or do anything. i usually don’t even acknowledge people. i just stay in my old room, or come here and do this. i need the fuck out of here before i go goddamn nuts. i need to get back into things. i need to get involved with some culture jammers here. i need to start a revolution. because we can have it, man. we can have it all. we can have a whole freakin’ world of possibilities, and dreams, and goodness. we can have no worries. we can have utopia, if only people would listen and not fight, or try to control each other. and i need desperately to be part of the Solution.

at least, to do anything. i just need to fucking do.

death has been a part of my life since i was a wee lad. my great grandfather died when i was maybe ten. in first grade we lost a classmate to heartworm. lost a teacher in 7th grade. then high school happened and everyone was dropping like flies. my grandfather’s girlfriend died. our class lost a very prominent kid named Kevin Lay, who was a pal of mine; he hit a tree in his car. this kid named Jimmy Harris set himself on fire and died. another friend hung herself. after high school, i lost my dear uncle Stephen to AIDS (i really hit the bottle around then because i had just moved to FL and couldn’t get out to see him or anything). then my old pal Mike Mettler hung himself. another pal, Bill White, a phenomenal drummer and guitarist (and sometime rival, alas!) shot himself in the head the summer of 2000. i was planning on reuniting our old band, too.

not long after Bill died, i came back to Ohio to visit my grandparents and crash my 10-year reunion. i saw that they could use some help. it’s sad how much grandparents age in just seven years. (oh yeah- they raised me, or my grandmother did anyway when my grandfather was off doing his thing.) so i moved back. my grandmother really wasn’t doing too well, and my grandfather was going to have a triple bypass. he made it through his ordeal. but we found out that she had cancer. again. (she has fought bravely against breast and colon cancer before.)

so several months flew by, and i watched her get worse and worse. during the first few months, my grandfather, the Great Denier of the family, had me convinced that she didn’t really have cancer. but it gradually dawned on me that she wasn’t going to make it. she got worse and worse, and practically lost her mind. the last few days were the worst. she lost her voice, so she couldn’t make any last requests or say any last words. on Nov. 6th i threw her a birthday party, with streamers and balloons and cake and a bittersweet card. her birthday was to be on the 20th.

she died on november 8th, with me and her son Craig (my dad) and a couple of nurses in the room at her home.

i have been through so much death, but i had never witnessed its machinations in action. i’m having nightmares about it. i hate knowing things, like how fake it really is when i see someone “dying” on TV or in the movies. they turn blue so fast. you can’t lightly brush two fingers down over their eyes to close them; not like they do on TV. they get cold and hard and, well… dead within minutes. and i hate knowing that from experience. i hate even worse that the person i saw die was my dear, sweet grandmother.

and i realise that people who claim to have no regrets in life are liars, or assholes. i regret so much that can never be repaired now. i’ve been mean to my grandma. i’ve yelled at her and gotten downright angry with her. and i never spent enough time with her, until it was too late. i’m sure i’m not the only one who feels that way, but i do still, and it hurts like hell.

been having weird dreams about my grandmother’s death. the last one was yesterday. i dreamed i was in a parking lot between some hotels. somebody gave me a tip that Cat Stevens, somebody else, and another person named Cat something or something Cat (not Cat Power) were all staying in two or three of those hotels. (in one part, i let myself into somebody’s mansion, which was eccentric to say the least. it was like a 3d version of some classic atari platform game or something.)

anyways, she was in my car and fell out, slumped. i was too late to catch her. she was already very frail, and i knew when she fell it would not be good. so there she was, dying again. and for a second, again, i thought she was going to come to. but no. just like in real life, it was just reflex, or air escaping her poor sweet lungs, or something ghastly like that.

this is getting to me.

You sometimes doubt yourself – who you are and what you can do. You’re a curious person, with questions and concerns about the world. You go along with the crowd and aim to please others to your best ability. But when you finally discover what you’re really capable of, you can do some serious ass kickin’! You’re fast and furious, and you will always stick up for what you believe, and those who you care for. Not only that, but you’re charming and charismatic, so you get along with people well, and others often look up to you.

wee-HOO!!

woo-HOO!

“sci-fu” will be the track of the day at garageband.com on the 29th!

schwank.

incidentally, here is the avatar i use over at htmlforums:

here’s a joke i just told over at htmlforums. i hope it does better here.

i’m in Las Vegas, and there’s a convention in town for stand-up comics. everybody’s there. most of them are grizzled vets, so they all already know every possible joke, and even go so far as to use a numbering system, in lieu of sitting all the way through the same tired, though funny, old jokes they’ve all heard before a million times. “42!” shouts one guy, and everybody laughs. “23!” shouts another, and the crowd is rolling. “73” yells the bartender, who knew a few jokes himself. even i got into it and called out 420, which got a few chuckles here and there.

just then, somebody shouts out “235!” and a young guy across from me just starts howling in mads fits of laughter. he fell off his stool and actually started to ROFLHAO! two more jokes were “told” before he finally came to his senses. “what was that all about?” i asked him. “oh,” he giggled (in spurts, wheezing a little and obviously out of breath from laughing so hard), “that joke was so funny! i hadn’t heard it before!”

do i have great taste in colours or what? look at those god damned links, just look at them! they look like they were flown in from outer space or something. ghastly. gnarly. rock and rolly. spooky.

Dark Forum pretty much does, that’s what.

…that white people suck. i posted this on a messageboard today, and got some responses i wasn’t expecting…

“right now i’m listening to white people bitchin’ and moanin’ about black/non-white people and all the supposed benefits they get. they simply don’t realize that nothing on this earth is worth living the life that black/non-white folks in amurikkka have to live, with people like that running around trying their best to ruin their day.

here’s to non-white people, all over the world! [cheers.gif] …may you all get the happiness, the comfort, the security, and the liberty that you deserve!”

read more here…

…mean old white people!

…how to back up a MySQL database using phpMyAdmin!

that’s “Hep Individual, Punk!“

wow, i’m a dirty, smelly hippie! my hair is getting really really long! i never noticed it before, because i ponytail it all up and never see it. but it is long. i look like early Chris Cornell, minus the female-fetching looks. i’m-a hafta get me a camera one-a these days, so people on the ‘net can see what i look like now. for now, just imagine a roadie for the Allman Brothers, circa 1973 (no grey hair yet).

success? i found php Triad, a program that will install Apache and php FOR me, and i think it even includes a develpoment tool. i also found two great-looking shopping cart programs. ok, i haven’t seen the one i just now unzipped yet, but the other, well… let’s just say it definitely has way too many features that i shant use, IF i can remove them.