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Quotes from my recent xTED talk

jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: I believe that men and women are both absolutely equal when it comes to the issue of wearing tiny snakes as finger-gloves, or fashioning a robot out of combs, or setting fire to cartons of milk. Otherwise, there's no question about it. Women are better than men, hands down. jae lee transmothra
Say what you will, but nobody can stuff a suitcase full of panda hands like women can.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: When I realized that I wasn't actually as good at doing something as others purported to believe I was, it forced me to trust my own instincts about my capabilities. When it then dawned on me that I wasn't actually nearly as good at that thing as I'd thought I was, I quit doing that thing, to save my own sanity. Now that I have ruled out every possible thing I could be doing, I finally have plenty of time for sleeping. jae lee transmothra
Cool, somebody made an image out of the talk I gave last week!

jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: Take a person who's not very good at anything, is frankly kind of a moron - most of the time you'll find that they don't even know how useless they are! So tell them. Be prepared to provide them with plenty of evidence. Then lock them in a room with only a loaded handgun at their disposal. Nine times out of ten, they will become a successful person within minutes. jae lee transmothra
Somebody made another image out of my talk! How cool is that?
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote:The number one reason why I believe there's no hell is because hell is supposed to be a place where truly awful, terrible people go after they die. But we're all right here. Still alive. jae lee transmothra
Except for Bob. I’m not actually sure where that motherfucker is, but we’d all better keep an eye out.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: Most people really like to eat cake. I think you'll find that's a universal thing. But how much better would it be if it were made out of babies, or kittens? See, nobody realizes this, but that's something we could make happen, as a community. We could make babycakes a reality. All it takes is the willingness to work together, as one people, for a common goal. jae lee transmothra
What we need now, more than ever, is a sort of Manhattan Project for babycakes.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: All it takes is creativity, imagination, and, perhaps most importantly, passion to make your dreams a reality. Most people don't want to work hard to get what they truly want most in life. But do you know why I am standing here today? Because I wanted to murder 600 people with a hatchet. jae lee transmothra
Dream as hard as you want. The doors are locked.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: I believe that men and women are both absolutely equal when it comes to the issue of wearing tiny snakes as finger-gloves, or fashioning a robot out of combs, or setting fire to cartons of milk. Otherwise, there's no question about it. Women are better than men, hands down. jae lee transmothra
Say what you will, but nobody can stuff a suitcase full of panda hands like women can.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: There's something indescribably sexy about intelligence. And in many ways, there's nothing on Earth more intelligent than a computer. Now you know why you never see a robot wearing pants. jae lee transmothra
“Unplug it before you plug it,” as they say in the electricians union.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: Failure is nothing more than God whispering in your ear, "you're a bad, stupid, worthless person who will never be able to do anything right, and I hate you. You make Me look bad, which makes Me very angry. So from on high I will bring down upon you great shitloads of consternation and terribleness, and a bunch of crazy shit raining down from the sky, and also probably some smiting too at some point, because you're just completely fucking useless. You will never again know happiness, you hopeless loser." That's all! So just get over it. jae lee transmothra
“Frogs and locusts and… weasels… and whatever else I got lying around.”
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: Anxiety can actually make a person feel anxious about their anxiety. How fucked up is that? Imagine having a meta-panic attack about the fact that you're having a panic attack about having panic attacks. I have nothing to add, i just really think that's hilarious. Ha ha! Stupid losers. jae lee transmothra
Well, there is ONE solution.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: When my mother pooped me out of her ulcerated womb, the first thing she said to me after coming down off the junk was, "I should have never made you. You'll never be anything. You're only here to make me more miserable." But you know what? That's now something I own. That's mine. I'm finding the advantage in those words. Now every time I try to kill myself, it's my little slice of revenge, like 'ha ha, your suffering will all be for nothing!’ And I laugh until I pass out. jae lee transmothra
Cracks me up every time!
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: People are so afraid of nihilism. But, understand: nihilism is only a word. And much like a light switch, you merely have to turn it off and it goes away. It's only an idea. Just a fabrication; just another human construct. In fact, if you think about it, you could easily argue that there is actually no such thing as nihilism. It's like it doesn't even exist at all. I mean, until we die and our personalities are forever annihilated. But that's ok - it's still merely a light switch. Only, then it becomes a switch with an OFF on one side, and an OFF on the other. And the bulb is broken. So is the fuse. Don't worry though: the wiring is shorted out and the power is down, so there's really no helping the situation anyway. jae lee transmothra
Ceci n’est pas une vie.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: Experts* have identified several potential risk factors common to people who find themselves prone to experiential shifts in their day-to-day happiness quotient, and do you know what came in at number one? Above employment issues, above relationship issues, above issues of religion, and even above socio-economic status and ethnic background? Being a worthless person with no excuse for the ongoing continuation of living. That's what. *subjectively, and broadly, speaking jae lee transmothra
Who are we kidding, huh? Happiness is over-rated.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: Study after study shows how the marginalization of minority cultures contributes to poor economic growth, higher mortality rates, increased crime and violence, low employment and the resulting decline in productivity... even such things as stagnation in the arts and sciences. In some countries where it's endemic, we see they have political instability, and revolution after revolution in a never-ending battle to be recognized as valid, productive components of their respective societies. But there is a simple solution. Just get rid of them. jae lee transmothra
Look, i don’t care HOW ya do it, got me? I just can’t have this coming back on ME.
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: Humans have been around in their modern form, more or less, for somewhere between sixty and a hundred thousand years. That's a long time, don't you think? But before that, all kinds of life flourished wildly for around four billion years. Four billion! By now, I think it's pretty evident that life will go on long after we have gone extinct. So what I am proposing are bigger, better weapons and way more aggressive pollutants. Because if we can't completely dominate this planet forever and bring it under our heel, then NOTHING ELSE should either. jae lee transmothra
or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Improve The Bomb
jae with lavalier mic on black background, giving a talk. Quote: Just when you think you've had enough suffering and baboozlement in this horrible life, right when you're at the end of your rope and the end of your wit, when you have given and given until you had nothing left for yourself except self-doubt of an astonishing magnitude, and gotten nothing back in return but for universal contempt, condemnation, and loathing from everyone around you, in your weakest moment you may be pleasantly surprised to find yourself suddenly at peace, blissfully relieved to have discovered the one single epiphany you desperately needed in that very instant, even as the barrel of the gun is resting on your tongue: The best moment to squeeze that trigger hard ...is NOW. jae lee transmothra
“As long as there is Death, there is Hope!” (Brother Theodore)

By jae

jae lethe (he/she/they) is a blogger, musician, artist, poet, web developer/designer, armchair philosophizer, teller of tales, and gadabout. Also, something he calls a "behavioral artist." (Not sure.) She has plans. BIG plans.

Among the things that he has done for a laugh are minor fractures, cuts, scrapes, and various scabs. Though she's quick to point out that they're no imbecile, we're fairly certain that he thinks the word means some kind of medieval pharmacist.

This is her latest home on teh internets - where jae stores their swear words, when they're not hurling them at the sun in vain.