i lost my best friend of 2+ years, and that’s what stings the most. now i have nobody. my hours are incompatible with my 2 other friends, so i really don’t get to see anybody ever. not having a computer or internet hurts, too, since i have no way to keep from stagnating there in my crappy little apartment. i need desperately to reach out and get a little help, but there’s nothing but space and time. some days i’m despondent, some days i’m angry with myself for pushing her away and thereby ruining my life, some days i’m okay but a little tired and sad.
last weekend, Lisa and i talked it all out, and it’s a permanent thing that it’s over, and i guess it’s for the best. i could never really understand a lot about her, and i’m just some thoughtless, classless hoodlum she accidentally hooked up with. that’s me saying that. we’re just two too-different people. so we talked and we cried and we made passionate love and then we slipped into the sad sweet mystery of sleep, former lovers in each others arms. and the next day we went to the mall and got booth photos. and then we said goodbye. it was the most bittersweet day of my life. i still cry. i miss her. but the shrine that grew so quickly is slowly shrinking back, and one day there will be nothing but a vague longing for a girl i never really knew but loved. when the enchantment that she’s gripped me with finally dissipates, that’ll be that. and i hope she fares well. better than well.
the long hug goodbye is over, and now i have to learn to move on again.
it came down to this: for her, i think it got stale and boring. for me, it got stressful. it snowballed, and my chronic nervous insomnia just exacerbated it.
i really did have a lot of great plans. you ever have a bad trip, but you emerge out the other side triumphant and victorious? i was very, very close to emerging.
i’m still squeezing my way through to the other side. i quit smoking last week. i’m on the patch, and i am actually smoking those Quest nic-free cigarettes. i’m training myself to not get any chemical reward from them. so far, i’ve only slipped once. i think i’ll be okay.
well… i gotta go. see ya later maybe.
5 replies on “guess i’ll have to replace that icon”
Greg and I think you should come to KallistiCon ’06. Save your cash for a trip to the bay area, we want you!
(On OpenDiary you can leave a note that’s just your name as a sign of solidarity and love without having to fill in space with a sentiment that will never begin to say exactly what you want to say…and I wish I could do that here.)
You’ll be OK, Brotherman. I know it. ♥
Personal stress can be difficult enought to manage alone. When you add other people who matter to the process, well, things can become complicated. I am sorry to hear that you and Lisa are no more, but it sounds much like it was time for things to end. At least, this time, there was some sense of closure. I find my brain running through psych theories about how we handle our adult concerns based in how we had our needs met as children. The uncertainty of constant and reliable care-giving apparently leads to anxiety in our adult lives, if one accepts the theory. Forgive me: It is an early Sunday morning as I type and my brain is still asleep. *Hugs* Be safe, be well, and be happy, old friend. Cry as you need to cry, but know that this bittersweet stuff will pass.
break-ups of long-term relationships are horribly traumatic things. i’m still reeling from my 4.5 year one that ended almost 2 years ago. it feels like i’m mourning someone — that whole death aftermath process. the pain doesn’t ever fully go away, but you learn to live with it and move on and experience happiness again, almost begrudingly. i’m feeling for you, dude. we should talk some time. online, email or otherwise. you were one of the first people who really believed in my writing and now i’ve got an agent and the idea of foster and my stories really seeing the light of day is finally becoming a reality.