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100% single

so my EX-girlfriend has been having “explosive” sex with some guy for the last two weeks. “explosive.” i did commend her for her bravery and honesty. i appreciated that. still, it makes me fucking sick to my stomache. i’m alternating between numb, sick, angry, hurt, shocked, depressed, and relieved.

too much drama for me lately. i’d tell you all about everything ELSE that’s been happening, but i am just plain too weak and i don’t have time right now.

By jae

jae lethe (he/she/they) is a blogger, musician, artist, poet, web developer/designer, armchair philosophizer, teller of tales, and gadabout. Also, something he calls a "behavioral artist." (Not sure.) She has plans. BIG plans.

Among the things that he has done for a laugh are minor fractures, cuts, scrapes, and various scabs. Though she's quick to point out that they're no imbecile, we're fairly certain that he thinks the word means some kind of medieval pharmacist.

This is her latest home on teh internets - where jae stores their swear words, when they're not hurling them at the sun in vain.

9 replies on “100% single”

I’m sorry. I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were. I’m glad at least to see you… Love.

thank you for the assumptions, but the “explosive” event was not referring to sex with him. if you’re going to listen at the door, make sure you hear the whole message to get your facts straight. and if you’re going to be plastering news about this to everyone, why don’t you include the whole story, including how you’d been pulling away from me for months and then flat out ignoring me for weeks, refusing to visit or call or even LOOK at me, for no reason i could tell. so i turned to someone else until you came around, which, as you’ll recall, you gave me full permission to do, as long as i didn’t tell you details. i would have told you sooner had you not been pretending i didn’t exist. you’ll notice i did tell you the first time we got together to talk (which of course, i myself had to arrange yet again. i would have thought you’d try to set up something with me, being my birthday and all, but you didn’t even try that until i prodded you). it was said from the outset that he was a supplemental, there to provide what you could not until you came around and started acting like my boyfriend again (yes again, for once upon a time you did seem to know you were in a relationship. once upon a time, you slept in the same bed as me, and not on the couch for months on end). my heart was always with you, you were always the one i was waiting for. i know that to a male, feelings mean nothing when compared to sex, and had i only given my love to him and not my body, you would not care. since i gave him my body and NOT my love, i suppose you feel possessive of my body but not my mind, which is really fucking shallow of you. of course, you also said it’d be better if it had been a woman, because gay sex isn’t really the same, which is even more shallow and insulting, but that’s another story. i’d be FAR more devastated if you were in love with another person than if you slept with someone you didn’t particularly care about. but i see where your priorities are. at least now i’m free to find someone who cares about ME and not just my cunt. of course, you haven’t even tried to get near my cunt since…winter somewhere? or hugged me, or kissed me, or so much as shoved me out of the way so you could sit on the couch. if we take away my shows of affection toward you, our skin (or clothing even) hasn’t made contact in over 6 months. and yes, i have been taking notice for a very long time. this is not something i thought up just now to use against you. this is something we’ve even talked about before, a couple of times. so was there ANY part of me you did think about and want, ever? not my brain, not my heart, not my body. what does that leave?

i told you that i would not stop you, because i respected your freedom. i told you that i would feel less competitive about you fucking a girl. that’s just natural. you don’t really think that i attribute less validity to homosexuality? that’s just crazy. i just meant that i would, for whatever reasons i can’t put my finger on, feel less horrible about it. which was really only wishful thinking anyway. i’d still feel awful. i’ve told you that if you weren’t so controlling with me, would only just settle down and stop screaming all the time, would only give me the opportunity to be myself, would only quit making things worse for us by freaking out over anything and everything that ever happens, would only have been supportive of me this last month when you knew damn well i was upset about family things and already upturned emotionally about losing a part of my identity… then i would have wanted to be around you a lot more. as it was, i HAD to get away. YOU pushed ME away, Lisa. and of course i wanted you. i wanted you so desperately! (though you were so cold and cruel and so controlling with me.) and i STILL thought about you constantly. constantly. i couldn’t wait to get this whirlwind a little bit more settled down so i could get back to US. i actually bothered making plans, too. i want to tell you the things i wanted to do with you, but i also want you to wonder what you missed. but you’d never believe me, so here goes: 4-track “lessons” – amphibious tour (seen the commercial? how cool would THAT have been?) – King’s Island – more downtown clowning around, sans liquor (‘coz you KNOW i’ve hardly drank at all these last few months, until now that is) – more movies, local events – and YES, i was, and still am, quitting smoking (i’ve already picked out the plan, and made the phone calls BEFORE all of this – and i was going to be with you on your birthday and be Mister Romantic and i was actually going to have a fucking PATCH on my arm for you, starting on monday.) i only wanted to get past this awful hump my summer has been so far, so i could come ALIVE with you again. i was so close to being ready. i already told you i was just taking a break from all the chaos. and you blew it. you selfish, controlling little tyrant girl.

if i pushed you so far away, why are you so damned broken up about it? you should be rejoicing. how convenient you were just about to get over the hump, just as we were breaking up. and that you suddenly had plans to actually have a life and DO things with me, after all this time…although you yourself claim you can’t do anything because you’re flat broke. contradictions, like always. i don’t believe it for a second. you’ve been a challenge since day 1, jeremy, day 1 all those years ago. no matter who pushed who the relationship generally sucked and i sucked and you sucked and it’s better for both of us that it ended. it’s a shame we couldn’t have fulfilled more of our plans together, it really is. that’s what i regret the most. but i also realize i can do those things with other people, and so can you.

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