oh, and

this time, unlike in 1991/2, the X-rays came back with something. i have an MRI next week.

the doctor said that it’s probably a growth of some kind, perhaps a hard cyst, on or next to the bone. probably an orthopaedic surgeon will slice open my finger and cut it out. it’s likely, though, that i’ll be on a local anaesthetic. i told her that i can’t even begin to imagine that… the pain in my finger is so profound and intense that it is easily capable of toppling buildings. nerve-blocking agents offer little hope against the maddening pain, which is sure to be unthinkably amplified by the scraping of a knife against the bony mass.

however… in a few months, my years of excruciating agony may be finally over. i may wind up being able to play the guitar with all four fingers again! the thought, the mere idea, is unsettling and absurd to me now. the unimaginable joy of being whole again fills me with the polar opposite of dread. i have longed for a cure for half of my lifetime now.

soon enough, it will all be over.