i watched Nico Icon today. as i watched the images unfold on screen, i came to the realization that i was seeing something terrible and familiar, like looking into a pool of mercury, ripples threatening to spill over the sides of what awful vessel just barely holds them back… i saw angels, burnt to a crisp. broken and bloody fallen heroes, walking around inside of their own corpses, as if they didn’t know or hadn’t yet been told that they were already dead. human ironies, endless travesty and tragedy… the spectre of Seth on a vector of Death.
i saw an alternate future of mine own, wherein i myself walked with Death over shadowy wastelands of despair and tragedy.
an alternate future. i will not call it mine; not any longer. it was not meant to be, and it isn’t and won’t ever be.
i will never forgive my mother, exactly, but i am glad that i was worthless enough for her to throw away; had she brought me with her on her dark and restless journey into that perilous Endless Night, i feel certain that i would not have survived.
i didn’t know she turned her own son on to heroin. seems to me that there could be no better way to sell your soul into evil. no wonder she was a ghost, or was it vice-versa? as in: no wonder she turned her son into a junkie? poor kid. i’m not sure how old he is, but he looked pretty lost, even if he was coherent. they never really said if he was still using or not, but he did say that she went on methadone in ’86 (she died in ’88, an event i don’t even recall).
the film ended with John Cale doing a truly haunting cover of her “Frozen Warnings”. it still echoes in the cave that is my long, dark (, empty?) soul.
i have found amphetadesk. expect me to be missing for much of the time. my goal is and has always been to Know Everything, and this tool may aid me somewhat; though i know i will ultimately never, ever reach that too-lofty mark. but at least i’ll be able to know more things quicklier, without having to resort to using up my 10 points of Livejournal syndications.
i got defriended last week. i don’t blame her; i tend to vent rather venomously, and i did after all have something to vent about (i cannot stand to feel like i’m being taunted). always a roller coaster with her and i. roller coasters are fun, and a little scary at times. but i no longer trust them. que sera, sera. i wish her luck, and love, and all manner of Good Fortune.
