i’m working on my popularity here… and it’s not gonna be good.
some of you are going to hate me. some of you will read this rant about 11 times, each time stumbling over certain sentences which follow; each time your blood will boil harder. i may get myself defriended even.
but let’s talk anyway! here we go!
fat-asses should be made fun of more than they currently are.
yes, you read that right. go ahead and read it again to be sure, though, if you want.
ok, ready for this one?
fat-asses should be made fun of more than they currently are.
now, to clarify a few things about that statement:
there are TWO kinds of larger-than-average people. first, there’s the people who haven’t done a damned thing to gain a little girth here and there, they just are built that way, and no amount of work nor pain will alleviate them.
and then there’s the fat-asses. these are the folks who truly do bring it on themselves by being stupid about their diet & exertion routines. THAT’s who i’m talking about here.
last i checked, less than 2% of the larger-than-average population of the United States fall into the former category.
further clarification:
when i say “make fun of,” i’m referring to a particular sort of “making fun of.”
there’s TWO kinds of making fun. first, there’s the playground taunts. cross that shit right off the list right now, because that just ain’t even right. we left that sort of thing behind when we grew up, much more so when we evolved from knuckledrag mouthbreathicus to our current form. humiliating asides like “hey Fatty McPancake!” would fall under this category.
then there’s the less aggressive, lighthearted and well-meaning kind of poking fun. this style is harder to pull off, because you have to by all means avoid hurting people’s feelings too much (it’s always gonna hurt a little), be truly funny, and at the same time make it absolutely clear that you sincerely do love the person you’re making fun of.
the problem with fat-asses is that they’re really giving America a bloated face. people all over the world think of many things when they think of “Americans,” most of them not so good; and one of them is that we’re fat and gluttonous.
i can’t say i disagree! we spend all our time shopping… we shop for tasty treats and order giant super-sized meals laced with more fat than actually originally appeared on the animal it came from… then we shop for newer, bigger clothes that we can shoehorn ourselves into. when we walk down the street, we lumber with a decidedly “damn-right-I’m-fat-so-get-outta-my-damn-way” gait. we even die early sometimes, just for the carnal pleasures of sitting in front of an idiot box all day gorging ourselves on Pseudo Chicken McBurritos and greasy cheeseburgers. and let’s just assume that we all know what we all know about candy and sodie-pops and potato chips and that sort of purely useless junk food.
i used to be fatter than fuck myself (not gigantic or anything, but very obviously on the fatter side of “puffy”), but now i take better care of my body… i eat better, eat healthier, eat less but more often (shock!) and i even do a little exercising now and then (ok, not much). some of you might remember that i lost about 30 pounds in less than 90 days fairly recently. it can be done.
so if you see someone who’s an obvious fat-ass, and you know for a fact that they did it to themselves, go ahead and call them fat! tease, but don’t be overly mean or hurtful. just a casual but biting remark like “working on a new record?” is plenty. but ride their fat asses every time you see them eating something stupid, or spending way too much time sitting around on the computer or in front of the TV! make sure they don’t forget that it’s not too late, that they are NOT doomed! hell, you might be preventing a premature heart attack down the line, if you play your cards right.
i wish someone would have done as much for me! i can’t cure ugly, but i can certainly fix my fat ass!
special note: this rant was brought to you by my latest “matches” at a dating site that seems to have a lot of local people on it. here were ALL of my latest matches. i hope that’s not any kind of telling indicator of “fitness trends,” or population… ahem… density …or anything like that.
