how the phone call went
*ring*
me > …hullo?
> hello, may I please speak with Mrs. Jarratt?
me > uh, did you just say “Missus Jarratt”?
> …yes? May I please speak–
me > “Missus Jarratt”?
> um… yes… can I speak with her?
me > no, i’m sorry, there IS no Mrs. Jarratt here anymore.
> …umok… who are you?
me > i’m jeremy.
> uh… ok… well, this is Amvets calling; having a drive and we’re going to be in your neighborhood; wanted to see if you had anything we could pick up?
me > no, sorry, we don’t have anything at this time.
Amvets > ok *click*
how the phone call should have gone
me > …hullo?
Amvets > hello, may I please speak with Mrs. Jarratt?
me > uh, did you just say “Missus Jarratt”?
Amvets > …yes? May I please speak–
me > “Missus Jarratt”?
Amvets > um… yes… can I speak with her?
me > no, i’m sorry, there IS no Mrs. Jarratt here anymore.
Amvets > …umok… who are you?
me > i’m jeremy. Mrs. Jarrat has been deceased for, oh… 11 and a half months now.
Amvets > uh… ok, this is Amvets–
me > Amvets?
Amvets > yes, we’re going to be in your–
me > you call here every other month, and each time we tell you that she’s been dead for awhile.
Amvets > I’m sorry about that. we’re having a drive and we’re–
me > can’t you ask for someone LIVING next time? i’ll tell you what… ask for our cat. his name is Bozo. he’s alive.
Amvets > um. wh. ah. so. well.
me > because we don’t fucking do seances here, you god damned numbskull. and we don’t appreciate being reminded every month that there’s too many chairs here these days. you got that?
Amvets > well. ah. ok. so.
me > you’ll have to call Miss Cleo for that. okay? so next time you call, who you gonna ask for?
Amvets > I’m sorry, did you say your name was Jimmy?
me > Bozo. Bozo the cat. he’ll be happy to take your call. look at him, he’s purring his little prick off right now at the thought.
Amvets > …
me > say it. say “is Bozo the cat there?”
Amvets > maybe I’ll call back when you’re not busy.
me > i’m not busy. Bozo isn’t busy, he’s over here licking his nuts thinking about you. Mrs. Jarratt, on the other hand, is permanently unavailable. do you understand what that means?
Amvets > um. ah.
me > ask for Bozo. he’s pining over here. aw, jesus christ! and don’t ever ask for anybody else! next time you call here i’m gonna put a gun down my throat, and then you’ll HAVE to talk to the cat, you fuckmouth.
Amvets > *click*
