(I’m sharing this here and on Twitter because out of all my social media presence, my blog and my Twitter is where i am read the least. I honestly don’t think anybody reads my blog or Twitter feed at all, whereas with Facebook it’s just embarrassing when i post deep sincere stuff and hear crickets.)
I’ve known several people who have committed suicide and it haunts and chills me even decades later. These were good people who touched my life and no doubt many, many others. I’ll just briefly talk about a few who hit me the hardest:
Mike Mettler was so funny and we invented bizarre dances and bantered forever. We skipped school (me, college; him, high school) together to see the Doors movie. We worked at a restaurant together. He was a king and i wish he were still here. #dishdogs4ever
Stacey Jo Hurt graduated early and sat next to me in study hall. I still have a folder she wrote on somewhere. I don’t recall what it said but it was disarming and when i run across it, i think of her and wish she had gone on to live a good life.
Bill White was a consummate musician. We fought a lot for some reason, but we were 100% brothers the last year i knew him, when we played in a band together and actually gave each other space and respect. He was far better than me on the guitar, but he chose drums and let me grow as a musician. I miss him.
It’s kind of not really a secret that i’m obsessed w/ death. As an atheist, i believe death is a rip-off and this one life is just staggeringly precious. It’s so short, and so improbable in the first place. We really should take advantage of our time to be good to each other NOW.
But i think about suicide a lot too. I wouldn’t say i’m a dire threat to myself (and certainly no threat to others). But almost every day i feel a despair about the human condition – and my own situation – that causes me to wonder if death wouldn’t be preferable.
The truth is that of all the different methods i’ve considered, none are appealing. In fact, i fear death quite a lot. I imagine it’s an uncomfortable process at best, especially if you’ve got some time between the point-of-no-return and lights out.
Yet i can’t help thinking about killing myself, nearly every day. And there’s plenty of great stuff i’d be leaving behind forever: my wife, who is just so amazing and smart and *hilarious* and generous and kind and beautiful and tough. My dogs, who are sweetness on four legs.
(I don’t need anybody coming to me with offers of help. I’m ok enough. And crippling, debilitating social anxiety makes that actually a little bit of a non-starter anyway. Honestly, i’d just be worse off by talking about it or engaging with people, even loved ones.)
Having said that, most people aren’t me… and some people have similar problems. So what to do if you’ve got a dear friend you care about who is showing signs of severe emotional distress? Are they even thinking that darkly? Should we chance embarrassing them? What to do?
I’m not sure i have any answers, even as somebody who considers themselves chronically – if marginally – suicidal. In my case, just leave me alone and i’ll probably be fine enough. But for others? Maybe just reach out and be a friend in normal, non-desperate ways.
“Hey, i was thinking about you the other day. How are things? Want to get together soon, you up for it?” Something like that, i’m thinking. I dunno. I mean, sometimes we don’t see any signs at all, and sometimes they’re there and we just don’t know how to approach the situation.
One thing i think that would help the most is for us as a culture to put to bed this whole habit of pressing people when they make mistakes or do something maybe less than perfect. From celebrities to Florida Man and the poor subjects of the “stupid criminal” trope, to people who may have different opinions or ideologies. Even if they believe stupid shit, like Flat Earth. And especially people who were in viral videos for embarrassing reasons.
Speaking of virality, people who share hoax stories need to stop. Outrage porn is a real thing, and it’s very, very often targeting people who have no relation to the “story” in the meme. We need to think before throwing shade or belittling others.
We need to STOP throwing so much shade around. We need to STOP making fun of each other. We need to STOP making selfish decisions that affect the lives of strangers negatively. We need to think more about ways to HELP each other up, instead of how to KICK each other DOWN.
(Except in the case of Nazis. Always punch Nazis.)
I admit, right here, right now, i am guilty of not Doing the Right Thing. Very frequently. But i am going to start thinking about ways to make this world and this life and this era and this society LESS awful. MORE friendly. I’m going to TRY to be BETTER. Because i hurt too.
And i don’t want others to hurt like i do, or hurt like they do, or hurt like anybody hurts. I want people to feel good again in general. I want people to have the emotional space and freedom to further the progress of humanity. Everybody can be a solution.
They just need to be enabled. They need less worry. We all need less to worry about. How about a world with few worries? How about pushing FORWARD? Instead of pulling back? So let’s lay off and give each other emotional freedom to be able to skip all the bullshit and live+++
i guess my thesis here is stupidly simple: “love each other”
corny, but true
