Here are a couple of tips & tricks i learned to master efficient, less painful, more confident, and more effective epilation. I am not a doctor. Do not trust me. I’m not responsible for you tearing your skin off down to the fucking bone like an animal. Use your head to avoid dumb injuries, and consult a licensed dermatologist if you want official sciencey empirical fact stuff.
Just the other day i accidentally ascended to Master Of Epilating, so i will confer upon you, reader, great power — provided you use it responsibly and share it if it works for you.
I have found there are two very important tricks to epilation.
Better, less painful, more effective epilation: the preambling
Just like with shaving, it is a very good idea to take a hot, hot shower and exfoliate first. Dry off and get ready to Rip And Tear Until It Is Done. If you want, you can take an acetaminophen (tylenol) and an ibuprofen (advil) to take a bit of the edge off the inevitable, imminent pain you are about to intentionally inflict on yourself. (This combination is synergistically more effective than either x2, and easier on your stomach.) It is important to put on some deadly metal music. Good. Now, look at yourself in the mirror, and, using your Commanding Voice, repeat the following:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. ONLY I WILL REMAIN.
Let’s kill some cavemen now.
angles: protractor optional
1. just like with shaving, your hair grows in a direction. North, south, left, diagonal, whatever. Sometimes all at once. Just like with shaving, you will hear advice to go with the grain. Just like with shaving, if you’re like me going with the grain is only inefficient, frustrating, and not particularly effective. Just like with shaving, if you go against the grain, you may get a smoother result, at the risk of a slightly higher likelihood of getting ingrown hairs. (Get Tend Skinpaid link!. Just get it. It is expensive, yes. It helps. It works well. It’s not immediate and perfect, but it’s very much worth having on hand.)
(An important note: by going against the grain, you may snap or break the hair rather than pull it straight out. This is the same as with waxing. But with time will come experience, and you will get better at finding the right angle and putting down The Beast ever more gingerly, though He deserveth not your mercy.)
The thing i’m really trying to work toward revealing unto you is this: if it hurts like hell to rip up the carpet going north-to-south, try ripping it up at an angle. Find an angle that strikes a good balance between painful and effective. You will pluck far less hair out this way and it will take you actual months if you don’t stop to eat or sleep but it will be easier this way. But wait! That’s not it! Keep varying the angle. Try it every direction you can handle. If you’re just a bit lucky, after a couple of minutes you’ll have half the hair or less. NOW go attack your hair in the painful-but-effective direction. It will be noticeably easier. Not painless, but that’s okay, because…
time is your ally, but don’t let it get away
2. once you’re done and are as smooth as a really smooth thing, you’ll have a few days to enjoy your smoothness. Here’s the real secret, which you may find changes the whole entire game:
You are not a machine. Your hair follicles don’t all grow in at the exact same rate. After a few days (don’t go more than maybe 4-5 days, depending on, uh, stuff), do it again. You have a fraction of the hair growing in now. It will hurt so much less. It will be much more effective epilation now. You will be a glassy, shimmering goddess again. Don’t forget to keep the routine up. If you let it go, and the hair all grows back, you will have to start over. That means pain. Do not invite pain. Don’t let it get to that point. Every time you epilate, you will only have a small fraction of the hair, but only as long as you do it regularly, and at not-too-long intervals.
One more thing: take it slowly. Do not rush. If you race through hell, you’ll only get lost and make a bunch of wrong turns and have to spend way more time than desired just to get back on track. Go slow. Yes it hurts. Do you want to go over the same patch of hair for 10 minutes, or a mere 30 [sure, ok, fucking grueling] seconds? Take your time. Trust me on this.
ok I’m done what now jae what do I do
Oh no, you’re not done yet, honey. Just like with shaving, after you’re done, put some unscented moisturizer all over your beautiful hairless body and rub it in until it starts to feel a little inappropriate. Now – and here is another very important consideration it is on you to make, or not – go put on your skimpiest clothes and go prancing around like an absolute, intolerable moron (indoors, outdoors… wherever you’re brave enough to show off).
YOU HAVE JUST CONQUERED THE YETI. You have walked where only women dare to tread. No mere man can conquer you. You are stronger and tougher than any man. Never let them forget your advantage. Save them from your fearsome might! Your empathy toward these pathetic, mewling, spittle-dribbling weaklings will be repaid in kind at some point. Never mind that. You are more beautiful than the sun, and smoother than whatever thing is really super smooth, and soft too. Now go take what you want from this awful world. You are The Boss now.
