Categories
life

Hail Eris!, it’s a different game of chance for once

i’m trying to quit vaping because my pulmonologist grimly insists it’s gonna kill me, and the context for this is that i do have a growing >1cm growth in my lungs that the doctor, of late, seems more panicked about than i am. My wife is panicking about this even more. Everyone in my family (except my fabulous SF queer icon uncle, who died of AIDS) (and my mom, who is a dead junkie) got their first cancers at almost exactly my age; they almost all eventually died of cancer (only my fabulous NYC queer icon uncle, who got his later, is still hanging on). I’ve been getting CT scans every 3 months for the past year (of which i guess i should have already been a little alarmed about the frequency), and now my Dr ordered a PET scan, which has just today been denied by my insurance (Caresource Ohio Medicaid).

Oh, right: i should mention i fully deserve whatever is happening, because i smoked 4+ packs of smokes a day for 23 years. (For the last 15 i’ve been exclusively and enthusiastically vaping, mostly my own tobacco-based DIY concoctions on a high-mid-shelf vape rig using voltage or temperature control on stainless steel coils and cotton wicking. I’ve steadily lowered the nicotine level to where it’s currently less than 1%. It’s the best setup. I highly recommend it, but only if you’re currently an addicted smoker.)

I only have a single close friend these days, and i’m leaning toward not telling her at all, ever. This is a little chancy considering i’m hitting publish on this little blog soon, which gets picked up by my social media, but IIRC it’s always just a link back to the post and nobody ever follows the link. I’m pretty sure nobody knows i even have a website. It’s ugly and illegible enough that anyone who ever finds their way here gives up before attempting to gouge out their eyes reading anything. Maybe it’s too risky, but maybe i should be selfishly asking people for some kind of support. I just absolutely hate to burden anyone. If you see this, B, god i’m so sorry. It’s all a lie. Experimental fiction. Please don’t read any more and don’t believe any of it. I’m just a drama queen. I’ve always been like this. Everything’s really fine. It’s actually very likely things will be perfectly fine very soon. No worries. Trust me. I’m lucky as fuck.

My poor anxious wife, the proof of my excellent luck and the only other person on Earth who knows about this, won’t stop freaking out about it all. To be very frank, it just makes me want to pick my ridiculously awesome Batman-grade vape rig back up and hotbox that fucker for an hour straight. I love her so much it nearly hurts, but unfortunately she loves me back just as much. I absolutely cannot stand the idea that i’m putting her through a bunch of my stupid horseshit.

My nerves are on a razor’s edge. I fight the black, terror-pregnant horizon taking up nearly all my inner vision just to look at something, anything else in my mind. I already just want to give completely the fuck up, go back to drinking heavily and using weird drugs, have a wicked laugh, and die, hopefully with something very grim and horrifyingly hilarious on my lips (if i can think of it). I outlived Douglas Adams and Jack Kerouac, so maybe that’s enough. I’ve already reached the point where even the dimmest sliver of beauty has youthfully (and perhaps rightfully) galloped beyond my grasp forever. What’s the future going to look like at this point, anyway? Certainly not *Star Trek*.

Maybe i’ll get pissed off about it and fight back, but right now i’m just too fucking beat by the last half century to do anything.

And maybe this will turn out to be nothing. Both bad luck and impossibly great luck (again, evidenced by my beautiful and witty life-mate Holly) have always walked just in front of me. I’ve skated by and (you better believe it) cheated death a million times already. Maybe this fucker will just shrink and go away and that’ll be the end of it. Who knows? Who knows.

I’m publishing this here just to scream into the void about it, because i know hardly anyone is going to take the trouble to click on a link on a barely-followed and even less-engaged-with social account and end up on this ancient and irrelevant, traffic-free blog reading this massive, whiney, woe-is-me diatribe. If anyone has read this far and wishes they hadn’t: look man, i’m sorry. Just ignore this. I’m just a drama queen is all. Don’t worry so much. This doesn’t mean anything and everything has a way of working out one way or another anyway. It’s just a minor health scare that’ll turn out to be nearly nothing. You have no idea how many times i almost didn’t see another day because i did something idiotic for kicks. This’ll be just like that, even to the extent that it’s all down to my reckless irresponsibility and total lack of ever having a full accounting handed to me with which at last to reckon. Probably i’ll just be bitching all the way to my 80s still, and finally get my number punched doing something stupid for one final laugh.

Sincerely, i’m sorry, but i just had to get all this bullshit off my chest before things get weird. I know everyone’s already got far more than plenty on their plates already. I’m not asking for anything. This really is just intended for posterity.

Categories
life

How i traded smoke for vapor

Here’s my tobacco harm reduction success story I shared at CASAA:

I started smoking around age 16; I am 41 now. When I quit smoking three years ago, I had been smoking for 22 years. That’s nearly a quarter of a century. In fact, that’s very close to a full third of my projected lifespan. For the first year, when I would run around telling people how I was “not addicted,” I would smoke a pack in a few days. By a couple of years later, I was smoking a pack a day. Within a couple more years, I was up to three and a half packs per day. At my peak, in my early twenties, I could easily be into my fifth pack of cigarettes by the time I went to bed. For the last several years of my smoking life, with great effort, I got myself down to about two packs a day. For the longest amount of time however – well over a decade – I averaged two-and-a-half to three-and-a-half packs a day.

I have on several occasions attempted to quit smoking cold turkey. This was always most convenient when I was sick with a flu. It never worked for more than perhaps a day at most. About seven or eight years ago, and over the course of the next few years, I tried lozenges (yuck!), gum (difficult to find cinnamon flavor), Chantix, nicotine patches, and so-called “zero-nicotine” cigarettes. Mostly, it was a combination of at least two, sometimes three, of these methods. The most I was ever able to completely live without smoking was a couple of days. I was a nervous wreck.

Finally, I decided to take a chance on a new idea. A personal nicotine vaporizer, also known begrudgingly as “e-cigarettes”. I can’t even remember where I got the idea or what I knew about them then. I did a ton of research into price-versus-effectiveness, and settled on a brand (Joye) and a vendor (Cignot) which seemed like a satisfactory and trustworthy combination and took the plunge with about $100 – roughly the cost of a week’s supply of Camel Filters. I got two medium-sized bottles of e-juice, a USB passthrough device, a car charger, a PCC (Personal Charging Case), and a box of two Joye 510 personal vaporizers, plus cartridges.

The moment I took it out of the box and assembled my vaporizer, I quit smoking tobacco. I am not kidding. Well, I tried it first. It felt like smoking. It really did. But it wasn’t. It was just delivering nicotine via atomized infused liquid. But the sensation – from the inescapable muscle-memory of hand-to-mouth which all smokers adhere to even after quitting, to the feeling in the back of my throat and in my lungs – was close enough to inhaling tobacco smoke (minus the coughing and burning and infamous “eye-hits” of the secondary smoke wafting about) that I did not have to light another cigarette ever again. I started at around 26mg nicotine; within a few months I got down to 18mg. Generally, I puff all day, when I am thinking about it. Often, I don’t even think about it; sometimes for an hour or more, such is the loosened grip of my addiction.

In one day, I quit smoking cigarettes completely. In three years, I have not had to smoke. I have smoked maybe five times since then, but only to see if I could discern a difference. I could. Compared to vaporized nicotine, burning tobacco was horrible. I could not believe I smoked up to five packs a day for over twenty years. So, maybe five times I tried to see what I had been doing. Five times I only got halfway into a cigarette before I was done. The last one was probably two years ago now.

The biggest changes since I stopped smoking in favor of the low-risk alternative of vaporization has been the lack of waking up with what I call “lead-lungs,” which for years daily caused me to self-medicate with that horrible subtly-pain-relieving smoking tobacco. Every morning I used to wake up and the first couple of cigarettes would eliminate the pain I felt breathing. Now I have zero pain in my chest.

I can smell things – including cigarette smoke, when it’s around (wow – sorry, non-smokers!). I also no longer burn holes in clothing or cars, or singe my hair, or accidentally set small fires by carelessly letting my cigarette burn unwatched in an ashtray. The stigma is gone. I’m no longer a social outcast because of my stupid “cool” addiction. In essence, I’m free, or nearly there.

I do still use my vaporizer frequently, but it’s causing me no perceivable negative health effects at all. If anything, I can run short distances again. As an asthmatic smoker, that used to be impossible. Exercise is something which is no longer practically impossible for me. It has changed my life in so many positive ways. And, as long as this method is legal and safe, I will never have to go back to the slow suicide of smoking, ever again.

Categories
life

E-cigarettes, a rough intro

I recently had a friend ask me about electronic cigarettes, or e-cigarettes (known to their users as personal vaporizers). Actually, lots of people ask me about them. I switched from traditional (“analog”) cigarettes back in August, and basically haven’t smoked since.

Mainly people want to know if they’re cheaper. There’s really no question about whether they’re healthier. They’re not healthy, it’s just that they’re far, far less dangerous. Basically, a traditional cigarette contains thousands of chemicals, a couple dozen or so of which are known carcinogens. The fluid you vaporize in an e-cigarette generally contains just a few ingredients: nicotine (in varying strengths or it may even be absent), food flavoring, and either propylene glycol or vegetable glycerin.

They’re extremely cheaper than regular cigarettes – however, there is an initial buy-in, and you do have to continually purchase replacement parts. I’d say that since August, i’ve spent maybe $200 – $250 in total on supplies. That includes extra parts (batteries, atomizers), fluid (what you “vape”), and accessories (some which i highly recommend having due to the extra convenience, some which are completely unnecessary but make vaping more enjoyable).

On the other hand, i was smoking 1-2 packs a day. One carton of crappy cigarettes in KY costs around $35 right now. That’s well over $100 a month right there, and that’s on the extremely LOW end – in practice, i was actually spending more like $160 a month; in Ohio that would have been over $200 every month! Compare that to the $200 or so i’ve spent on all kinds of crazy vaporizin’ crap in the past FIVE months!

HOWEVER, most people only think they spend $4.50 on cigarettes over the course of their entire lives, because that’s what a single pack costs them right now. Try to convince someone just how much they ACTUALLY spend and they just won’t believe you. But tell them they could spend all that money on something COOL (that still exists after one use), and they might pay a little attention. So, the price to start vaping scares the crap out of most smokers, unless they actually take the time to think about it and compare it to what they actually really spend on cigarettes.

The etailers i’ve used so far are:
http://cignot.com
http://avejuice.com
http://www.madvapes.com
http://route66vapor.com

I did lots and lots of research and wound up having extremely positive experiences with each one, especially Cignot, who are extraordinarily fast and helpful.

A great starter kit would cost around $35 (that’s for an “unboxed” Joye 510 model from Cignot), and that includes 2 batteries, 2 atomizers, and 5 cartridges, plus a wall charger for the batteries.

Extra batteries for the 510 model are ~$10. Batteries last a couple of hours, so eventually i splurged on a couple of batteries for the Joye eGo model (aka the Riva), which fits onto the 510 atomizer. They cost around $20 each. I just got it today and i can’t seem to make the damn thing die. It’s been well over 12 hours now. Batteries are said to last through around 300 charges or so.

Extra atomizers cost about ~$10. It’s always good to have a few on hand, as this is what makes the whole thing work. Atomizers should last around a month or more if you know how to take care of them. Many people complain that this is a big weak point and they often last just a few weeks before needing replaced. I’ve got a couple that i’ve had since August. It’s kind of a hassle to care for them, but i’m a cheapskate and don’t want to pay more than i have to!

Cartridges don’t really need replacing that often, but you can generally get a 5-pack for around $5 or so. Cartridges contain the fluid, and they need to be constantly refilled, but it’s not much more bother than taking out a cigarette and lighting it, and they should generally last a bit longer than a few cigarettes’ worth of time.

Fluid: this can vary pretty greatly. Expect to pay around $10 for a 10ml bottle, up to around $20 for a 30ml bottle. You can get different strengths of nicotine, and just about any flavor you can imagine (and i’ve seen some really, really weird ones). For me personally, i get ~18-24mg strength nicotine, and a 30ml bottle lasts me maybe a month or so.

As for accessories, i can’t recommend having a Personal Charging Case enough. These suckers will let you leave the house and still be able to charge your spent batteries while you’re on the go. One case can fully charge a battery about 3 times or so. That second battery comes in handy, but i recommend having at least three, unless you go with a big battery like the eGo. Then there are USB chargers, car adapters, and USB “passthroughs” (allowing you to hook up your vaporizer to a USB port and save your battery power). Then there are all the really crazy things like weird parts and add-ons and mod kits and stuff. Anything you can think of, somebody sells one, or the parts to make it yourself.

HOT TIP: never, ever buy from a kiosk at the mall, or in a convenience store. Those things they sell are HORRIBLE. And never get a “disposable” anything, ever. You pretty much have to buy this stuff online for now. Which is a great reason to stock up, because anything you run out of, you have to wait to have shipped!

For lots more information, see http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/

Hope this helps!

Categories
uncategorized

E-cigarettes, a rough intro

Originally published at jeremyjarratt.com. You can comment here or there.

I recently had a friend ask me about electronic cigarettes, or e-cigarettes (known to their users as personal vaporizers). Actually, lots of people ask me about them. I switched from traditional (“analog”) cigarettes back in August, and basically haven’t smoked since.

Mainly people want to know if they’re cheaper. There’s really no question about whether they’re healthier. They’re not healthy, it’s just that they’re far, far less dangerous. Basically, a traditional cigarette contains thousands of chemicals, a couple dozen or so of which are known carcinogens. The fluid you vaporize in an e-cigarette generally contains just a few ingredients: nicotine (in varying strengths or it may even be absent), food flavoring, and either propylene glycol or vegetable glycerin.

They’re extremely cheaper than regular cigarettes – however, there is an initial buy-in, and you do have to continually purchase replacement parts. I’d say that since August, i’ve spent maybe $200 – $250 in total on supplies. That includes extra parts (batteries, atomizers), fluid (what you “vape”), and accessories (some which i highly recommend having due to the extra convenience, some which are completely unnecessary but make vaping more enjoyable).

On the other hand, i was smoking 1-2 packs a day. One carton of crappy cigarettes in KY costs around $35 right now. That’s well over $100 a month right there, and that’s on the extremely LOW end – in practice, i was actually spending more like $160 a month; in Ohio that would have been over $200 every month! Compare that to the $200 or so i’ve spent on all kinds of crazy vaporizin’ crap in the past FIVE months!

HOWEVER, most people only think they spend $4.50 on cigarettes over the course of their entire lives, because that’s what a single pack costs them right now. Try to convince someone just how much they ACTUALLY spend and they just won’t believe you. But tell them they could spend all that money on something COOL (that still exists after one use), and they might pay a little attention. So, the price to start vaping scares the crap out of most smokers, unless they actually take the time to think about it and compare it to what they actually really spend on cigarettes.

The three etailers i’ve used so far are:

http://cignot.com

http://avejuice.com

http://www.madvapes.com

http://route66vapor.com

I did lots and lots of research and wound up having extremely positive experiences with each one, especially Cignot, who are extraordinarily fast and helpful.

A great starter kit would cost around $35 (that’s for an “unboxed” Joye 510 model from Cignot), and that includes 2 batteries, 2 atomizers, and 5 cartridges, plus a wall charger for the batteries.

Extra batteries for the 510 model are ~$10. Batteries last a couple of hours, so eventually i splurged on a couple of batteries for the Joye eGo model (aka the Riva), which fits onto the 510 atomizer. They cost around $20 each. I just got it today and i can’t seem to make the damn thing die. It’s been well over 12 hours now. Batteries are said to last through around 300 charges or so.

Extra atomizers cost about ~$10. It’s always good to have a few on hand, as this is what makes the whole thing work. Atomizers should last around a month or more if you know how to take care of them. Many people complain that this is a big weak point and they often last just a few weeks before needing replaced. I’ve got a couple that i’ve had since August. It’s kind of a hassle to care for them, but i’m a cheapskate and don’t want to pay more than i have to!

Cartridges don’t really need replacing that often, but you can generally get a 5-pack for around $5 or so. Cartridges contain the fluid, and they need to be constantly refilled, but it’s not much more bother than taking out a cigarette and lighting it, and they should generally last a bit longer than a few cigarettes’ worth of time.

Fluid: this can vary pretty greatly. Expect to pay around $10 for a 10ml bottle, up to around $20 for a 30ml bottle. You can get different strengths of nicotine, and just about any flavor you can imagine (and i’ve seen some really, really weird ones). For me personally, i get ~18-24mg strength nicotine, and a 30ml bottle lasts me maybe a month or so.

As for accessories, i can’t recommend having a Personal Charging Case enough. These suckers will let you leave the house and still be able to charge your spent batteries while you’re on the go. One case can fully charge a battery about 3 times or so. That second battery comes in handy, but i recommend having at least three, unless you go with a big battery like the eGo. Then there are USB chargers, car adapters, and USB “passthroughs” (allowing you to hook up your vaporizer to a USB port and save your battery power). Then there are all the really crazy things like weird parts and add-ons and mod kits and stuff. Anything you can think of, somebody sells one, or the parts to make it yourself.

HOT TIP: never, ever buy from a kiosk at the mall, or in a convenience store. Those things they sell are HORRIBLE. And never get a “disposable” anything, ever. You pretty much have to buy this stuff online for now. Which is a great reason to stock up, because anything you run out of, you have to wait to have shipped!

For lots more information, see http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/

Hope this helps!

Categories
life uncategorized

changes, and nicotine slavery

When you finally get to that point where you can start to FEEL the change, the in-process reinvention of your Self becomes evident, and you realize that, in at least some respects, metaphysical or not, you are becoming truly free. You start to understand that even the chains of your own past can be lifted off and you can become someone else – who is still you but yet new, emergent, and refined.

Think about all the cells and microorganisms of your body. After a period of several years, each and every little bit of you has eventually been replaced. You are a constantly renewing fountain of change. You are not even the you that you were when you were a child. You are someone else, a replicant, and yet, you are you, just… the new you. (What makes us who we are anyway?)

Incidentally, the reason why our memories from so long ago are so cloudy and errant is that we are merely xeroxed copies of ourselves. All the atoms in your brain have been replaced or reconfigured a few times by now. It makes sense that some files are illegible or missing altogether.

As long as you are becoming anew, think about ways you can help not the process but the results.

For smokers: this thing can be beat. I am 99% of the way there myself, and i have tried and failed just like you no doubt have. Although we may never be non-smokers, it is absolutely possibleand a whole lot easier than you might think – to become an ex-smoker.

Don’t listen to anybody but your body.

Even your mind concocts labyrinthine machinations silently against you. Fear is just another formulaic and substance-deprived bestseller. Write your own middle and end, even if someone else already wrote your beginning.

Okay that last bit was a little tongue-in-cheek, but think about it even still.

Categories
uncategorized

changes, and nicotine slavery

When you finally get to that point where you can start to FEEL the change, the in-process reinvention of your Self becomes evident, and you realize that, in at least some respects, metaphysical or not, you are becoming truly free. You start to understand that even the chains of your own past can be lifted off and you can become someone else – who is still you but yet new, emergent, and refined.

Think about all the cells and microorganisms of your body. After a period of several years, each and every little bit of you has eventually been replaced. You are a constantly renewing fountain of change. You are not even the you that you were when you were a child. You are someone else, a replicant, and yet, you are you, just… the new you. (What makes us who we are anyway?)

Incidentally, the reason why our memories from so long ago are so cloudy and errant is that we are merely xeroxed copies of ourselves. All the atoms in your brain have been replaced or reconfigured a few times by now. It makes sense that some files are illegible or missing altogether.

As long as you are becoming anew, think about ways you can help not the process but the results.

For smokers: this thing can be beat. I am 99% of the way there myself, and i have tried and failed just like you no doubt have. Although we may never be non-smokers, it is absolutely possibleand a whole lot easier than you might think – to become an ex-smoker.

Don’t listen to anybody but your body.

Even your mind concocts labyrinthine machinations silently against you. Fear is just another formulaic and substance-deprived bestseller. Write your own middle and end, even if someone else already wrote your beginning.

Okay that last bit was a little tongue-in-cheek, but think about it even still.