i’m having a slight meltdown lately. i’ve been working on music fairly intensely and starting to let the new things outside where people can hear it, and from there to potentially push it down into the mud and throw things at it while pointing and laughing at it, and i’m starting to really fear it’s truly all just the shittiest music ever created (or close enough to it), and i’m coming very near to the realization that the one thing i’ve lived for my whole life — creating music — has actually only ever been upsettingly awful in its totality.
And so what then? What’s left after that? It’ll have all been for naught, and the future will be bleaker and so much worse than i ever could have imagined. The best case scenario, i worry, is that i’ll be responsible for putting people in the awkward position of having to say something polite about something they surely found to be the most cringeworthy thing they’d encountered in a while. So i’ve actually been considering scrapping it all, deleting the files, selling all my gear, and just forgetting about music to the point of never even listening to any of it anymore.
Nobody will ever read this, but on the weird chance that somebody ever does, all the evidence is right here, so they can see it for themselves. It’s all just so unbearably embarrassing. I wish i could just die and get it over with.
